


Like oh! (got me gone)

by Decalcomania



Series: (Got me gone) [1]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Constructive Criticism Welcome, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Sappy, intense pining because jaebum doesn't know how to deal with his feelings, jealous jaebum, like it's probably the sappiest thing you'll be reading this week, obliviousness everywhere, past JJP, rated E but it's mostly sap, unexpected unrequited jinson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-12
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-30 12:54:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 23,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8533888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Decalcomania/pseuds/Decalcomania
Summary: So it comes to pass that Im Jaebum, knocked down by too many shots of soju and his subsequent hangover, finally admits to himself how in love he is, at (he checks up his phone) 9:24 on the chilly morning of the 22nd of March, 2016. The world keeps turning.





	1. Chapter 1

It's a weeknight and yet Jaebum finds himself stumbling his way to his dorm, trying to ignore his two friends as they alternate between high-pitched giggling and loud shushing of each other. Why do they even bother to try and stay quiet when the campus is deserted, Jaebum doesn't know, but then again, drunken logic. Not that he himself is drunk, merely buzzed. They didn't even drink that much, Jackson and Jinyoung are just lightweights.

 

A soft bark is coming somewhere on his left, and Jaebum makes his way towards it, leaving his friends behind without a second thought. Dogs are great.

 

After walking for a short while, he sees it, a small pile of white fluff sniffing at the grass. The light from the street lamp overhead gives the fur the softest glow. Jaebum melts.

He can see in his peripheric vision the owner standing three meters away, attention on his phone. Jaebum doesn't pay him much mind, though. He gets down to a crouch and starts petting the friendly dog on the head. They give the cutest happy bark and Jaebum grins at the sound. They are so pretty, the prettiest dog in the whole wide world.

 

He realizes he's said the words aloud when he hears a loud chuckle. A loud familiar chuckle.

 

“Youngjae?” Jaebum hopes he's got it wrong. He doesn't need another instance where he's embarrassed himself in front of him.

 

The universe proves once again it doesn't care much for Jaebum wishes when the figure makes his way towards him, still chuckling.

 

“Hey, hyung!” and yes it's Youngjae, looking down at him with a teasing grin.

 

It's a little too much, too unexpected and Jaebum distracts himself by petting and playing with the soft white fur. He probably should stand up to greet him properly but he's not sure he can meet his eyes yet. He tends to be a little raw whenever he has too much to drink, he's afraid of what he'll betray of his feelings for him.

 

“You have a dog? Since when? And should you? I mean I've been told quite firmly that no pets were allowed in dorms, so...”

He tries not to feel too wistful at that. He's had Nora since he was twelve and leaving her for college had been a heartache. It's been more than two years so he's used to it, but he still misses her a lot sometimes, even if he sees her on holidays.

 

Youngjae replies with his usual enthusiasm.“No, it's not my dog, it's Coco!”

 

And yeah, now Jaebum recognizes her as the dog on the picture Youngjae sent him a month ago. He had gone to the animal shelter Mark is volunteering at to give a hand and snapped a selca of the two of them holding the newly arrived puppy. The picture had Jaebum almost losing it, both at how pretty and happy Youngjae looked and at the unwanted reminder of how close the roommates were.

Mark is his friend; has been so for two years, long before either one of them even met Youngjae, but now Jaebum can't help but see him as a rival. It's an unwelcome, unpleasant feeling.

 

Coco seems to realize they are talking about her and lets out a series of cute yips. Jaebum smiles at her, pets her a few last times and finally gets up. Youngjae gives him a small smile then, one Jaebum can't help but reciprocate. Despite his fear of revealing what he feels about the other boy, his presence never fails to make him content.

After a few seconds of silence, he realizes he should say something. He clears his throat and hopes Youngjae will put his staring on account of how not sober he is.

 

“Okay... But hum... shouldn't she be at the shelter?”

 

Youngjae shrugs. “Mark hyung has asked if he could take her with him for a few hours, to give her a taste of freedom. And the manager agreed? We played with her a bit at the dorm until he remembered he had an assignment to finish. So he asked me if I could take her on a walk for him.”

 

He's rolling his eyes but his expression is fond and a familiar uneasiness settles in Jaebum's guts at the sight.

 

“Oh”. He doesn't quite know what to say while he considers with dread the perfect picture of domesticity they make, him and Mark and Coco.

 

Youngjae looks a little surprised at how laconic he is before he grins at him again and hits him lightly on the chest.

 

“But nevermind me, hyung! What are you doing out here, at 1 in the morning, a less than perfect image of sobriety? Did you go to a party without me?” He is pouting now, which is terrible since Jaebum doesn't need more incentive to muse on how tempting his lips are.

 

“What.? N-no. Of course not! We -Me, Jackson and Jinyoung- went out to eat. Except Jackson was all “what a terrible week it's been!” so we ended up drinking a bit too”

Less than smooth reply, but the combination of Youngjae's pout and puppy eyes is a deadly (if adorable) one so Jaebum gives himself a mental pat on the back for his relative success.

 

“It's Monday though,” Youngjae points out.

 

Jaebum sighs.

 

“Which is exactly what I said so of course, Jinyoung called me a nerd. He then went on about how luckily soju aided cure tediousness and poured me three drinks because 'hyung, really, you need all the help you can get',” Jaebum commends himself on his excellent rendition of Jinyoung's snotty tone.

What he's not telling Youngjae is that afterward, Jinyoung started his favorite topic of discussion of late, namely how completely gone Jaebum was for their dongsaeng. He also quite rudely laughed at Jaebum's face when the latter tried to downplay his feelings.

 

Now Youngjae is the one who is laughing at him. It rings loud in the otherwise quiet night and Jaebum can't begin to process how much he loves that sound. He doesn't even mind that it's at his expense.

Youngjae looks gorgeous like this, eyes closed and mouth open in uncontrollable joy. The streetlamp highlights his features in a way that has Jaebum's chest painfully constrict. The line of his throat has him especially out of breath. He wants to mar it with bites and kisses. He wants just as much to nuzzle against the soft warm skin and inhale Youngjae's scent. He can hear Jinyoung's earlier sarcastic words echo in his mind: “a crush, right”.

 

His thoughts get interrupted by the loud screeching behind him.“Hyung! Where have you been? We've been so worried!”.

 

Jaebum winces at Jackson high-pitched tone and glances doubtfully at Jinyoung, who doesn't look one bit concerned.

 

“I wasn't,” Jinyoung adds, right on cue.

 

Jaebum rolls his eyes but feels a little ashamed at Jackson's expression. He didn't mean to worry anyone.

 

“I heard a dog barking and... hum... I guess I didn't think much beyond that.” He confesses head ducked down, embarrassed at his thoughtlessness.

 

Jinyoung and Youngjae both guffaw at his admission, while Jackson nods like Jaebum is making perfect sense.

 

“Dogs are the best.”

 

“Yeah they're great,” He shrugs,“ Cats are much better, though.”

 

Youngjae gasps in outrage and leans down to cover the puppy's ears. “Don't listen to him, Coco! He's drunk, he doesn't know what he's saying,” He says with a huff and pats her on the head before straightening up.

 He looks daggers at Jaebum. “Hyung! How could you say that? What happened to 'You're the prettiest dog in the whole universe'?”

 

Jackson shakes his head in agreement while Jinyoung tuts at Jaebum like he is some kind of misbehaving child in need of a scolding. What an asshole.

 

Jaebum doesn't quite get the outrage. In fact, he would think Youngjae was playing it up if he hadn't been a witness to The Argument last semester. It went like this: Youngjae and Mark were discussing what was the best Star Wars movie. Unfortunately, the friendly banter had quickly taken a turn for the worse, right up to the point that curses in Taiwanese, Satoori, and English were flying around, unbidden. They all agreed to never bring it up again.

 

So he errs on the side of caution and gives Youngjae his most apologetic expression.“Sorry?  I just. I miss Nora I guess,” he blurts out.

 

It's terrible because while it's an excuse it's also true, he does miss her. Quite a lot as a matter of fact, now that he's thinking about it. He should have said yes when his mom had proposed to let him talk to her on facetime the previous week. There is a lump in his throat and he's sober enough to realize how he's making a fool of himself. Again.

He ducks his head down again as Jackson and Jinyoung begin cackling like the terrible friends they are. He kinda wants to run except Youngjae is here and there's this huge part of him that still wants to bask in his closeness. Even if he feels ashamed of his vulnerability in the face of Youngjae's lack of reaction.

 

Just as he considers booking it anyway, after seconds of painful silence (well except for that annoying laughter), he feels fingers brushing against the back of his right hand.

His heart slams against his ribcage at the ghost of a touch. When he finally looks up Youngjae seems closer than before. The glare is gone, replaced by a fond expression and a faint tilt upwards of his pouty lips. The soft way he is looking at him combined with his proximity and his touch are enough to knock all the air out of Jaebum's lungs.

It gets worse as Youngjae's hand curls around his fingers, squeezes and doesn't let go. Jaebum doesn't understand how he is still standing. The whole thing, hand-holding thing, is more than his buzzed self can handle. More than his sober self can too if he's being honest with himself.

 

“I know you do hyung.” Youngjae is smiling at him, bright and sweet like he understands Jaebum's homesickness and doesn't judge him one bit for it.

Jaebum knows he's going to tease him for it later, though, he can already picture the sly smile in place of the soft one he's sporting right now. He doesn't mind the image. And god helps him but Jaebum wants to kiss him so bad, wants a taste of that sweet smile. It's a desire he's well acquainted with, a dangerous one now that he is tipsy enough to risk it.

 

Luckily, Jinyoung is done laughing at him and appears at his side before he can recklessly act on the urge.“Of course, he misses her, like the sad, sappy drunk he is.” He is smirking, but it is gentle too because Park Jinyoung is the epitome of a contrary asshole.

He gives their linked hands an appraising look, but he blessedly doesn't comment on it. Jaebum doesn't spare him another glance after his initial glare as he once more drinks in the sight of Youngjae laughing. He's appreciating it even more now that he isn't the source of his hilarity. Jackson is: he is getting his face slobbered on by Coco and is whining very loudly about it.

Jaebum very much enjoys the scene, until Youngjae lets go of his hand in order to take the puppy from Jackson's arms into his own. He instantly misses the warmth, in a way that has nothing to do with the cold air, and everything with how every cell in his body is screaming at him to curl up around Youngjae and to never let go.

 

Jinyoung, who can no doubt see the lack of impulse control written all over Jaebum's face, tugs hard on the sleeve of his sweatshirt.

“Well, nothing is going to top these two dorks embarrassing themselves in less than five minutes, so I guess it's time to call it a night”, He states, impervious to Jackson's pout and Jaebum's glare. “ It's been nice bumping into you Youngjae, Coco. But you should get back before you catch a cold. Mark hyung would never let us hear the end of it.”

 

He rearranges Youngjae's sweatshirt with his free hand, pulling it up until the collar rests up over the mouth of the younger boy who chuckles at the gesture, eyes almost closing in mirth.

Before Jaebum is able to give too much thought about kissing his eyelids, Jinyoung is dragging him away. Jackson follows while cooing goodbyes at both Youngjae and the pile of white fluff in his arms. Jaebum wants to say something but there's still a lump in his throat, the longing much fiercer now than it was when it pertained only to his cat. So he nods in Youngjae's general direction and lets himself be led.

 

 

 

He wakes up way too soon the next morning (8:27, what the fuck, he doesn't even have classes until the afternoon) due to Jinyoung not even trying to be quiet while he's stumbling his way through the room. Jaebum thinks for the umpteenth time that he needs a new roommate-slash-best-friend.

Why he's even up this early when his classes don't start until 10, Jaebum can't understand until Jinyoung meets his eyes and whines loudly.

 

“I'm going to die. Let's go get some coffee. Please. Pleaaassssseeee”.

 

The way he is dragging the word is insufferable and Jaebum considers saying no just to be the asshole for once. However, there is little chance he'll be able to get back to sleep now and he'll need help to make it through the day. So he glares but nods and makes his way through his morning routine in an uneasy daze. The slight headache he can deal with, but he hates how his stomach rolls with his every move. He sighs as he considers that he might be a lightweight too.

 

 

It's not until they're settled in a corner of their favorite coffee shop that Jaebum remembers why he's taking cautious sips of his drink, afraid his stomach might decide to rebel against him for good.

 

“Fuck you man, you're the worst,” he spits with venom.

 

He texts those exact same words to Jackson and viciously hopes his week is going to get even more terrible.

 

Meanwhile, Jinyoung turns his contemptuous gaze from the large cup in Jaebum's hand to his face. Jaebum glares at him and wraps the second hand protectively around his drink, a caramel macchiato with extra caramel, extra whip cream, extra sugar, extra delicious. As if Park "Just something with 10 expresso shots, please" Jinyoung is in a position to judge anyone.

 

The latter doesn't even bother denying anything. He doesn't bother to apologize either: “I only poured you those shots. You didn't have to drink them down in one go. You don't get to blame me for your poor alcohol tolerance, this one's on you”.

He takes a sip of his drink and winces, which at least makes Jaebum's day feel a little brighter. Until he opens his mouth again and makes all the light in the world vanish.“It's also not my fault you embarrassed yourself in front of Youngjae. Lord knows you don't need help with that.”

 

Jaebum doesn't get it at first: he hasn't been thinking much about last night, beyond his resolution to make new, better friends; and to never drink again. It is all coming back to him now and he wishes he hadn't woken up. Jinyoung is smiling at him, looking way too amused. Jaebum ignores it in favor of mulling over his terrible, awful, hopeless life. He kinda wants to scoff at himself for how dramatic he's being, but Youngjae does have the strongest hold on his mood and emotions. Jinyoung was right, it's not a crush. It hasn't been for a while now.

So it comes to pass that Im Jaebum, knocked down by too many shots of soju and his subsequent hangover, finally admits to himself how in love he is, at (he checks up his phone) 9:24 on the chilly morning of the 22nd of March, 2016. The world keeps turning. It should feel groundbreaking but as much as Jaebum has been lying to himself, he is also the worst liar he knows. In the end, the revelation isn't one at all, more a tremor than a quake: he barely feels shaken by it.

 

Still, he barely resists the urge to yank his hair in frustration as he slides his hand through it. He can deal with being in love with Youngjae. It is barely news at this point and is mostly a nice feeling (besides the debilitating fear of Youngjae never ever feeling the same way). However, he can't believe he has made an utter fool of himself in front of him. Again. Multiple times too. He groans loudly and lets the back of his head hit the comfy chair.

 

“Hey, hyungs” The voice is small as if a little choked.

 

Jaebum glances up, eyes wide and heart beating itself in a frenzy when he sees Youngjae standing close, drink in hand. He prays he is not telegraphing his feelings loud and clear and he sits up from his sprawled position. He groans again, this time at the queasiness his movement elicits and the way his hair fall down over his eyes. He pushes his bangs back impatiently and smiles at Youngjae who is looking at him with a dazed (from lack of sleep Jaebum guesses) expression.

 

God, he is so fucking pretty.

 

He is wearing one of his oversized sweaters over skinny light blue jeans that make it very hard for Jaebum not to stare at the curve of his thighs. Not that he can see a lot since the sweater comes down only a few centimeters above the knees. Jaebum doesn't mind it too much, though, he has plenty of memories of the boy in shorts to imagine how the stretch of the fabric would look on his upper thighs. Plus, he thinks the red sweater is complimenting the pink of Youngjae's lips as well as his slightly flushed cheeks quite beautifully.

 

Even so, as much as he loves how Youngjae looks with that pink tint to his complexion, he frowns at what it implies.

 

“Did you catch a cold yesterday?”

 

Youngjae looks a little surprised by the sudden question. “What? No, I didn't. Why?”

 

“Are you sure? You look a little flushed,” he remarks.

 

Youngjae's flush gets worse somehow and Jinyoung lets out what sounds like a chortle into his cup of coffee. Before Jaebum can parse it, Jinyoung is patting the empty chair between them.

 

“Why don't you sit with us a while Youngjae? Jaebum hyung is being a terrible grump, so please be a dear and help your favorite hyung avoid getting charged with murder”.

 

He is simpering. Jaebum voices how disgusting he finds it. Jinyoung shoots him a withering look, which Jaebum reciprocates with equal fervor.

 

Youngjae sits down as he laughs at them. Cue the butterflies, or, as Jaebum likes to call them for accuracy, “vicious winged monsters”.

 

“Alright. You're not my favorite hyung though. Sorry,”  Youngjae says, but the sparkle in his eyes and the turn of his lips tell how little sorry he actually is. Jaebum loves him so much.

 

 

Jinyoung gasps, eyes wide, hand flying to his mouth in feigned shock. Jaebum rolls his eyes: acting classes made Jinyoung's preexistent dramatic tendencies take a turn for the worse. He's about to tell him as much when he recognizes the gleam in his eyes, the one that spells trouble, as he leans close to Youngjae.

 

“Well, why don't you tell us who is then?”, he asks sweetly, a knowing look on his face.

 

Jaebum's back to glaring at him now: his stomach feels sufficiently upset as it is, he doesn't need burning jealousy to be added to the mix.

 

“M-my favorite? That's...Um, I mean M-mark hyung, of course,” Youngjae stammers, tone hurried and a little defensive.

 

Jaebum feels sick at the name and sicker still at the way Youngjae flushes when he catches Jaebum looking at him, before adverting his eyes quickly. Jaebum is floored at how flustered Youngjae is acting. He knows how close the roommates are, but despite his jealousy, he never seriously considered the two of them getting romantically involved. But now, that flush has him reexamine his previous conviction. Or rather it would have if his mind wasn't drawing a blank at the horrifying possibility.

 

He can bear the thought of Youngjae not reciprocating his feelings, barely, but he can. The thought that Youngjae might love someone else, though? Is excruciating. He can see himself getting to the point where he can be happy for Youngjae. But not right now, not so soon after he finally allowed himself to be honest about what he means to him. It feels like multiple kicks to his guts and chest at once. Not a tremor but a quake, Jaebum's equilibrium shot to hell.

 

He's vaguely aware of Jinyoung and Youngjae talking while he tries to get his breathing and emotions under control. He sinks back into is chair, grateful at how comfortable it is, and closes his eyes as tries to fight the sudden wave of nausea he can't completely blame on his hangover. He opens them not long after when he feels a small pressure on his forearms. Youngjae is looking at him, concern etched his every feature, from his frown to the purse of his lips. Jaebum longs to run his fingers on his face and smooth it all out.

 

“Hyung, what's wrong?” He asks, quieter than Jaebum has ever heard him. “You don't look too good.”

 

He doesn't feel that great either, but the last thing Jaebum wants is to worry him. So he gives him his best smirk and replies with as much smugness as he can muster.

“How dare you, Choi Youngjae! I always look good.”

 

Youngjae smiles a little but doesn't look one bit convinced by his answer. Which isn't good because Jaebum can't conceal much even when he's not feeling as emotionally vulnerable as he does right now. In his current state, he's afraid he won't fare well under Youngjae's well-meaning brand of questioning.

 

Luckily, Jinyoung decides he hasn't filled his “annoying Jaebum” daily quota. He gives his most obnoxious snort. “Youngjae, sweetheart, the guy drunkenly petted your dog, insulted her and then started crying about his cat. I think you'd better ask what's not wrong with him.”

 

Jaebum flushes with embarrassment.

 

“Screw you,” he hisses.

 

“No thank you. Been there, done that. Really great but not worth the aggravation in the end.”

 

Jaebum grits his teeth in annoyance, but he's also relieved to see Youngjae doesn't look like he'll press matters further.

In fact, he is looking slightly uncomfortable now, like he always does whenever Jinyoung and Jaebum past romantic entanglement is mentioned. Jaebum understands. He has been told quite a few time that their close relationship, from best friends to boyfriends to best friends again, could be disconcerting to some. And since Youngjae has known them for barely more than seven months now, it stands to reason he isn't quite used to it yet.

 

“You really do bicker like an old married couple,” Youngjae remarks quietly, echoing the sentiment often expressed by BamBam and Yugyeom.

 

He doesn't sound mocking like the younger boys do, but he looks a little tense, his smile not quite reaching his eyes.

 

Jaebum's shoulders sag in shame when he notices his expression. His banter with Jinyoung can get borderline caustic at times since they love to give each other shit, and he imagines it can get uncomfortable for the people stuck in the middle of it. He is wondering how to apologize without making things more awkward, when Jinyoung lets out the loudest, most disbelieving laugh, not even bothering to muffle it with his hand like he usually does.

 

“Youngjae darling, what a ridiculous notion,” He sounds gentle, and Jaebum is grateful he decided not to be more of an ass“ Putting aside the inexistence of romantic feelings between us now and forever, we would kill each other before we even signed the papers.”

 

Jaebum doesn't quite know what to add, surprised as he is that Jinyoung addressed what is nothing more than an expression at face value. Most of the time, he doesn't do more than roll his eyes in response, like Jaebum does. Still, he appreciates how Youngjae is holding himself less stiffly and savors his brief chuckling.

 

“In any case, try and not kill each other. I have to go to class now so I won't be able to intervene.”

 

“Well, Jinyoung's a nuisance so I can't promise anything, but I'll give it my best shot,”  Jaebum says dryly.

 

He feels a rush of warmth at the amused smile he gets in response. Totally worth the not-so-light way Jinyoung punches him in the arm in retaliation.

 

“We will try,” Jinyoung adds, smiling as he watches Jaebum rub the sore spot “After all, we may not your favorite hyungs but you still love us, right?”

 

He's pouting, which Jaebum finds gross and, judging by the way he looks a little flustered and tense all over again, Youngjae does too.

 

“R-right. Um goodbye then. See you later.” And with that, he's gone, leaving Jaebum to stare wistfully after him.

 

 

 

“The way you're going about it, it's a wonder you ever got boys to go out with you,” Jinyoung muses after a few minutes of silence. “Well the two of them who did anyway.”

 

He looks at him, blasé, like Jaebum should be ashamed that in his 22 years of life he has only dated two people (semi) seriously, and kissed a handful more. Like his own string of three short-lived relationships is much more impressive.

 

Jaebum tenses up. He doesn't need that shit. Not when he's hangover and -heavens forbid- the picture perfect definition of lovesickness.

 

“What am I supposed to do then? Because right now I can't think of anything that won't leave our friendship in shambles,” He snaps.

 

“It's nonsense. You're talking as if there is only one way it can go.”

 

“Yeah ok, there might be more than one, but the odds don't look too good so excuse me for not wanting to fuck it all up.”

 

He gets a few glares from other customers at his words and raised voice, which doesn't help the irritation rapidly building up. He sighs and adds, tone down to a whisper “I'm... fuck. I _love_ him, Jinyoung.”

 

“So you're done with the denial, huh? Took you long enough.”

 

“God, you're such an ass sometimes! I'm losing my mind here.”

 

“Only because you buried your head in the sand for so long.” He lifts his hands placatingly when Jaebum shoots him a glare “... Alright, sorry, I get it, you're feeling overwhelmed. But whether it's a crush or more, it doesn't change things.”

 

“Are you listening to yourself? Of course, it fucking does!” Jaebum whisper-shouts “Confessing to a crush is different from confessing to being head over heels in love.”

 

“... So you are thinking of confessing then?”

 

“...”

 

“Are you?”  Jinyoung presses, as always unwilling to let him off the hook too easily.

 

“Fuck, I don't know okay?”

 

Jiyoung purses his lips and shoots him an unimpressed look. “Hyung...”

 

“ Don't! Just don't, Jinyoung. I need comfort, not whatever sanctimonious bullshit you're about to spew.”

 

Jaebum grimaces, regretting the words as soon as they leave his mouth. He knows Jinyoung isn't to blame for this. He shouldn't have to bear the brunt of his bad mood. But he feels so hopeless which, like most negative emotions with him, can translate into misplaced anger.

 

Jinyoung, unsurprisingly, looks furious.

 

“So what's the big plan here, _Jaebum_?”  he grits, deliberately disrespectful. “You'll just continue to helplessly pine after him? For how long, huh? Until he finds someone who actually dares to do something about the way he makes them feel?”

 

Jinyoung cuts himself then, shoulders and head drooping a little. Compassion and annoyance battle fiercely within Jaebum as he takes in his best friend's dejected posture.

 

Jaebum mulls over how to respond.“ I'm sorry, Jinyoung. I shouldn't have said that, I was being an asshole. But this isn't about you..."  he says as gently as he can.

 

Jinyoung straightens up and shoots him a withering look. Jaebum withstands it without flinching, even as he reaches out to squeeze his best friend's knee in comfort. Jinyoung tenses even more but doesn't smack him, which Jaebum takes as an encouragement. He doesn't move his hand until he feels Jinyoung relax incrementally, his face losing a little of its hard edge after a few minutes.

 

“You're right: you're an asshole... I'm sorry too, by the way. I don't know how to ease off sometimes.” Jinyoung sighs “ And sorry for... you know.”

 

“Please Jinyoung, stop pretending like you don't call me 'Jaebummie' half of the time. In public too.”

 

“Yeah, well, you're letting me do it.”

 

“Yeah, well, we've known each other for more than ten years now. I had to learn to deal with the disrespect.”

 

Jinyoung smiles in a way that acknowledges what this exchange means: they're okay. He stays silent for a bit, and when he talks again, it's in a tone both gentle and forceful.

 

“I know this isn't about me., Jaebum. But maybe you should use me as a cautionary tale. I was in love with Jackson for almost two years. And I did absolutely nothing about it. Would his rejection have crushed me? Yes, so much. But you know what? No more than seeing him with someone else did.”

 

Jaebum squeezes his knee one more time and lets go. He knows this. He was the one holding him all night after Jackson introduced them to Namjoon. And every night Jinyoung was beset by loneliness and sorrow; Jaebum's single bed too small for the both of them, neither of them caring.

Jaebum doesn't want that for himself. It's been crushing enough to see his best friend going through it, unable to offer more than his embrace and silence as comfort. Still, it's hard to think past the laundry list of why confessing to Youngjae could be terrible. For one thing, he could lose him.

 

“Don't be me, hyung”  Jinyoung warns, like often uncannily aware of the direction of Jaebum's thoughts.

 

“Don't”, Jaebum scoffs “ You're doing great, Jinyoung. And yeah, it's probably going to take a while still, but I could see it last night, how it's less painful for you to be around him.”

 

“Am I moving on from my sad unrequited love? Yes. It doesn't change the fact that I could have done something before it got to that point. So again, don't be me."

 

“Wouldn't want to,"  Jaebum answers playfully, trying to lift his best friend from his self-deprecation and get rid of the remnants of the heavy mood. “Though, I guess I could use some of your smoothness. And I once heard Youngjae swoon over how pretty your hair looks, so maybe that too.”

 

It is Jinyoung turn to scoff now.

 

“You're awkward, hyung. Always have been, always will be. You'd better embrace it now... Better take care of that receding hairline of yours as soon as possible too.”

 

His tone is haughty while his face is the perfect mimicry of concern. Fake concern, Jaebum knows, yet he can't help admire once more Jinyoung's acting skills. He wasn't lying, he could use the ability to conceal his emotions from time to time. Especially around Youngjae. The fact that the latter has so far remained oblivious to what Jinyoung has obnoxiously dubbed his “heart eyes” is a blessing, but Jaebum doesn't know how long his lucky streak can last.

 

“You're an asshole,"  Jaebum states, even if he can't help his smile: that's more like it.

 

Jinyoung smiles back, then his face contorts as he scrambles to fish his phone out of his pocket. “Shit, I'm so late."

 

He downs his drink in one go (Jaebum winces as he imagines how bitter and cold it must taste) and stands up hurriedly. Before he goes, though, he turns to Jaebum with concern, genuine this time.

 

“Hyung, I know you don't think you have a shot in hell with Youngjae. But while I don't know if he's feeling as much as you do, I don't think he sees you as just a friend either. So please, try and do something about it.”

 

-

Jaebum feels restless. He has since that conversation with Jinyoung a few days ago. His mind is running a marathon and he doesn't know how to stop it.

 

All of his assignments are done or well on their way to be (“just because I'm not a procrastinator in chief like you doesn't mean I'm a nerd, shut up mark”) and he is too keyed up to read a book or watch a movie. Dancing is out too after yesterday's session, muscles went way past strained into sore. The next time Yugyeom tries to needle him into a prolonged dance battle, and that Jackson insists that “you can never be working out too much, hyung”, he'll tell them to shove it. He's too young to feel this old and inadequate.

 

He sighs as he rolls on his bed and wishes he asked Jinyoung to stay. But it would have been selfish of him: it's a Saturday night after all.

More importantly, Jinyoung should have fun and be around people who can distract him from thinking too much about Jackson and Namjoon's upcoming one year anniversary. He is moving on, has been for a few months, but it doesn't make things magically smooth and easy. Jaebum has done all he could these past few weeks to help him to not dwell on it. Well, coffee shop incident excluded, he thinks as he winces at the memory of how short-tempered he's been. In any case, there's only so much his earnestness and willingness to listen can do after a while. Mark and Youngjae's gaming night is sure to lift up his spirits much more than another heart to heart discussion would.

 

Still, he feels a bit like a rotten friend for not going in support, even if Jinyoung didn't seem to mind. Plus, he did promise to text him if Jackson shows up (which he shouldn't, given the essays he has to write), after echoing Jaebum's earlier words. “You said it yourself hyung, I'm doing good”.

Jaebum checks out his phone in case he's missed a notification. Nothing since that devastating selfie of Youngjae pouting he had received almost two hours ago, along with a “you suck” text. No doubt sent after Jinyoung told them Jaebum's big fat lie, namely that he didn't come because he wanted to work on his songs.

 

He sighs again and looks forlornly at the open notebook on his desk. He wishes. He does have a few songs on the back burner he'd like to work on, he tried to do so in the afternoon, but he quickly gave up. He's not up to par for it. Finishing songs has been a hardship for a while now, inspiration plentiful at first, then leaving him high and dry. Good old hard work hasn't paid off much either, and his notebook is getting filled with half-completed songs. It is fitting, he supposes, given that Youngjae has been the catalysis and subject for many of them, and Jaebum is stuck there too.

 

So here he is, holed up in his dorm room, unable to do anything but mull over Jinyoung's words and slowly driving himself up the wall.

 

The thing is, Jaebum would like to believe them, he really, really, really would. He does think that Youngjae likes him, but exactly “just as a friend”, despite Jinyoung's assurance to the contrary. He has never said or done anything implying he wants even a fraction of what Jaebum does.

 

In fact, now that he's been over probably every interaction he's ever had with the boy, it has come to his attention that Youngjae is different with him. More measured somehow. He still smiles brightly at him, laughs with and at him, shares his thoughts and feelings with him. They're not just friends, they're very close friends. Jaebum is also pretty sure that in their group, he is the one Youngjae spends the most time with, aside from Mark. Who is only winning because he's his roommate, Jaebum tells himself with petty satisfaction.

 

Yet in some regards, Youngjae doesn't act quite as carefree with Jaebum as he does with everyone else. He is sparse with his touches. He doesn't throw himself on him and doesn't act like the shameless flirt he is either. Nevermind the high likelihood of Jaebum's heart not being able to withstand the shock if Youngjae did any of those things casually. Nevermind that what Jaebum wants of him is so far from casual it still scares him.

 

Point is, there is some tension, for lack of a better word. And now that Jaebum is aware of it, he doesn't know what to do with it. He would like to believe that Youngjae can't bring himself to do those things because it's Jaebum and he wants more too. Jaebum knows the truth is more simple, though, if not hurtful: Youngjae doesn't think he's allowed to. After all, he did tell Jaebum how scary he had found him the first few times they talked. It changed in the few months they've known each other, but the fact still remains that Jaebum can be a hard person to be relaxed around, with his sharp edges, foul mouth and occasional bouts of foul temper.

And if Youngjae never seems uncomfortable around him (well apart from those few times Jinyoung and Jaebum past relationship come up), Jaebum guesses there must be lines he has drawn, wherein he must feel safe, on the condition he never crosses them. So he shares everything with Jaebum except for that easy skinship he has with everyone else. The bitterness tastes sharp in Jaebum's mouth.

 

“Ugh, I hate this,”  he grunts as he rolls on his bed once more.

 

He looks around the room again, searching for something to occupy his mind before it decides to torture him with the possibility of Mark and Youngjae together. Again.

Jinyoung had scoffed and laughed at him when Jaebum had first talked to him about it. His reaction soon upgraded to beating him up with a pillow whenever Jaebum sullenly brought the subject up. It has been a little painful, but also comforting, to see his best friend so adamant that there was nothing there. Jaebum trusts his judgment. Jinyoung and Mark have grown even closer this year, so he'd probably know if there was something on Mark's end at least.

 

Still, the fear is persistent.

 

He groans and considers his options for distraction. Maybe he should do some cleaning? A glance around the room informs him that everything is spotless. As always. He curses his own neatness and Jinyoung unwillingness to piss him off in that regard at least. He's considering scrubbing the pigsty they have as their dorm communal kitchen from top to bottom, when he sees it, wedged between his desk and the wall: Jinyoung's Christmas present. Perfect, just what he needs.

 

 

Half an hour later he congratulates himself on a choice well made. His legs are straining a little from where they're sprawled 100 degrees on the floor against the puzzle mat but at least now his mind is focused on the small pieces, and not on Youngjae's related things. Such as how the last time he zoned out watching his fingers he imagined them entwined with his own, instead of how pretty they'd look and how good they'd feel around his cock. Which he guesses, points gained for feeling less of a full-fledged pervert than usual. Points lost for how much of a sap he has become, though.

 

“Wait. Damnit.” Jaebum sighs at the terrible leash he has on his mind and makes an effort to concentrate on the puzzle again. It has 500 pieces so he won't get it done in one sitting but it doesn't matter. He'll have a lot of time to complete it since he's planning on staying in his room a lot in the upcoming days. Jinyoung taunts have become ineffective at this point. He doesn't need to be told he's avoiding Youngjae, he knows he is. He just needs time until his pining gets to a point where he can stand to be around him again. It's nothing new too.

He has gone through three other crises in the past few months when he struggled to accept his feelings and get them back to a manageable level.

 

 

 

\---------------------------------

 

The first time was when he first heard him both sing and play the piano. Youngjae had asked the whole group for their opinions on the piece he was to play at the Christmas recital (which the university held mid-November, because that made sense). It was beautiful and the whirl of emotions it conjured made Jaebum feel frail and like he was falling apart at the seams.

 

If Jaebum were to pinpoint when his crush on the other boy shifted from the innocuous “he's cute and interesting and pretty, I like to be around him” to something more akin to a long string of mixed exclamation and interrogation points, it would be this moment.

 

Indeed, for all he had been aware that Youngjae had a beautiful voice quite early in their acquaintance since he was always humming and singing under his breath, he didn't know it could be like this. It was the first time he heard it in its full scope. The first time he saw him perform too. Jaebum was filled with awe while he witnessed Youngjae become the perfect vessel for the emotions he sang about. He embodied the longing and loneliness of the lyrics in such a way that Jaebum had itched to go to him and soothe his pain.

 

The way Youngjae's fingers gently ran over the piano keys brought on more carnal considerations.as Jaebum discovered he might have (totally had) a thing for Youngjae's hands. He added them to the ever growing list of what he liked about Youngjae:

 

his smiles,

the way he brushed the fringe on his forehead, from side to side,

that determined glint before he told you something you might not like,

the way he teased, sly grin and gleam in his pretty, pretty eyes

his pouty lips, which at this point Jaebum was thinking about how they'd feel against his lips and other parts of his body probably way too much

his laugh 

his ass, sadly too often concealed from view as Youngjae's taste in shirts and sweaters ranged from oversized to massively oversized 

almost as elusive, his plump thighs, which Jaebum wanted to wax poetics about almost as much as he wanted to fuck them 

how passionate he was about singing and music and how talented he was in both respects

etc and ad nauseam, items ranging from sappy to explicit

 

Jaebum was a captive audience, eyes wide open to drink in the perfect sight before him, mouth parted around barely there breathes, so conscious was he of not disturbing the performance in any way. Afterward, Jinyoung described his face as “a skillful interpretation of emotional constipation”. Jaebum didn't talk to him the whole week his breakdown lasted.

 

 -

After that Jaebum had to acknowledge how much he wanted Youngjae, in a way that was more complicated than just lust. Though the lust had been ever present since day one, the attraction building up over time, concurrent to his emotional connection to him. For months he had tried to control himself from delving too much into it, feeling too guilty to jerk off to thoughts of his friend. By the time the Christmas break rolled in, though, he no longer had such scruples, or rather they turned weak confronted with the rare privacy his own room back home offered.

 

So he made the most of it. He touched himself whenever he got the chance, thinking of Youngjae's sucking him off, riding him, jerking him off; Youngjae begging for his fingers and mouth and cock. He wondered how loud he'd be (his bet was on very), how he'd look as he came. He tried to imagine the pretty noises he'd make while being eaten out, the delicious tremble of his thighs at Jaebum sucking on and tongue fucking his rim. Jaebum imagined making him come from his tongue only and thigh fucking him afterward until he reached his own orgasm.

 

He spent just as much time fantasizing about Youngjae putting his dancer flexibility to good use, bending him in as many positions as he could as he'd fuck into him. This was new to Jaebum, the urge to yield in that way, to be filled up to the brim by someone's cock. The need to be fucked hard and fast and dirty, slow and tender and every way in between.

Jinyoung had introduced him to the joys of fingering, amongst other things, but they didn't go beyond that, none too interested. By the time he dated Hakyeon, he had long added fingers to his masturbation regimen, and yet, as fond as he'd grown of his prostate, it never translated to the desire of getting fucked.

 

Until then that is.

 

Until that first time when he pictured himself on all fours with Youngjae pounding into him, a vivid image which made him come embarrassingly fast on his shower wall. He hadn't been able to stop the flow of similar scenarios since. Himself ass in the air, head pulled back by his hair as hips snapped against him; on his back, bent in half or legs splayed as far as they could go, getting the air ruthlessly fucked out of him; riding Youngjae slowly and getting high from the feeling of being so full and so tenderly held...

 

Point is, he hadn't masturbated this much since he was a teenager, high on the discovery of how much he liked boys in general and Park Jinyoung in particular.

 

That realization was both exhilarating and a little shameful. Nevermind Youngjae, he thought he'd never be able to look anyone in the eyes ever again.

 

 

It wasn't the only change the holiday break brought in regards to Youngjae. Indeed, he found himself missing him a lot and dedicated his free time not spent getting off to keeping in touch with him. Mainly via texts, which made it easier to deal with how much of a sleazebag he felt for the fantasies his mind kept conjuring up.

 

Youngjae started it, texting him almost as soon as they said their goodbyes, as he all but narrated his journey from Seoul to Mokpo. Jaebum loved it. Contrary to his habit to reply with a few hours delay, he was as over eager as Youngjae as he shared many snippets of his days, pictures of his parents, house, town. Youngjae reciprocated with pictures of everything that constituted his life back home, along with quite a few selfies. Jaebum shamelessly saved those in a secret folder on his phone, where they joined all the ones Youngjae had ever sent him.

 

But his favorite file amongst the ones Youngjae shared was a short video he shot of his nephew and niece play fighting. Youngjae was mostly unseen but his laugh was booming loud and clear. Jaebum grinned like a fool for a good half hour after he had received it. It joined his secret folder too.

 

It got to the point his father commented on it, not used to see his son on his phone so much. Jaebum could only shrug, unable as he was to come up with a reasonable explanation for this need to not miss anything of Youngjae's life while they were apart. The same way he was unable to explain to himself why he was still longing for him when they talked every day.

 

 -

The third crisis happened just after, as they were catching up after the Christmas break, all but cuddled on Youngjae's bed. Jaebum was showing him the pictures of Nora he had taken during the holiday and hadn't already shared with him. Youngjae didn't comment on how he went overboard with it (Jinyoung had, at length). Instead, he made cooing noises and showed enough appreciation that Jaebum was willing to overlook such a character flaw as his cat allergy.

 

Then Youngjae started laughing out of the blue, head resting on Jaebum's shoulder until his chuckles died out enough for him to articulate the reason of his hilarity.

 

“It's just... I can't believe that for months I've been fooled into believing you were the cool and chic dude you look like when you're actually such a dork.”

 

He laughed again, looking at him with bright eyes and a fond smile which had Jaebum struggle for breaths. “In a good way, though! You're very sweet, Im Jaebum.”

 

Jaebum's face must have done something terribly unflattering hearing this, given that Youngjae started laughing so hard he fell to the floor with the force of it. Jaebum just humphed and after he made sure Youngjae was alright, grumbled something about some forgotten assignment to escape further embarrassment.

  

He all but ran to his room, thanking his good luck that Jinyoung wasn't there, as he would have no doubt mocked him for running from his feelings. Quite literally so, too. Jaebum's strength gave out as soon as he closed the door, and he slid down it. His heart was beating wildly and he knew the unforeseen exercise had nothing to do with it.

 

He felt scared yet a little giddy as he realized why Youngjae's words had affected him so much. He wanted Youngjae to know who he really was, behind that tough, unaffected façade of his. He wanted Youngjae to know all of him, the good, the bad and the ugly; to feel the same curiosity Jaebum felt towards him. The one that pushed him to seek out every single thing (thought, memory, and emotion) that made Youngjae who he was.

 And while Jaebum still used the word crush to address his feelings about the other boy, he had enough self-awareness to understand it didn't even come close to summarize the fear and desire Youngjae brought about. He couldn't lie to himself enough to conceal how utterly gone he was. It scared the shit out of him.

 

Jinyoung found him on his bed, curled up in a fetal position. He didn't say a word, just discarded his bag with a rare carelessness and went to spoon him. He ran his hands on his arms for a while, until his warmth seeped into Jaebum.

 

“I think I like him. A lot.” Jaebum mumbled after an hour of being held. And the same way Jinyoung hadn't asked why he was so down, he didn't inquire as to who he was referring to. Jaebum supposed his soft spot must have been pretty obvious to him. Panic seized him at the thought of Youngjae ever becoming aware of it. He was so screwed.

 

The subsequent crisis lasted even longer than the first one, his avoidance being helped by the fact he actually had forgotten about an assignment. He got two more on top of that, for both his dance and music composition classes -and seriously, fuck double majors. He barely saw Youngjae for two weeks, barely saw anyone but Jinyoung for that matter, as he scrambled to do everything in time.

 

Jackson threw him a “Welcome back to the land of the living” party in his and BamBam room (he actually inscribed it in black sharpie on a banner made out of A4 sheets of papers poorly taped together).

 

Calling it a party was a stretch since it was just the seven of them, but Youngjae didn't leave his side all night, sitting closer to him than usual. Jaebum pretty much felt on top of the world.

Even more so when Youngjae told him at the end of the night that he had missed him, cheeks flushed from one too many beers and eyes not quite meeting his. Jaebum would have deflected but he was tipsy and exhausted from school work and from carrying the huge torch he had for Youngjae. So he told him the truth: that he had missed him too. He didn't tell him all of it, though, like how doing so many one-nighters had been rendered easier by how restless his longing for the other boy made him.

 

 ---------------------------------------------

 

 

Jaebum sighs at the recollection. Three crises in so many months, the fourth well under way. He's a mess. And now that he's admitted to himself the exact nature of the pull Youngjae has on him, he doesn't know how he is even supposed to be around him anymore. As afraid as he is, the need to tell him how he feels and kiss him senseless is only getting more compelling.

 

He sighs again and tries to get his wandering mind back to the puzzle at hand, a hard task not made easier by his sudden tiredness. Not too long after, just as he's about done with connecting the corner pieces, there is a loud knock on the door. It startles him: he is not expecting anyone, all of his friends minus Jackson being at Mark and Youngjae's party. He isn't in the mood to see anyone right now and gives serious thoughts to ignoring whoever is so rudely interrupting his self-pity party.

 

“Open up Jaebum hyung, I know you're here.”

 

Youngjae. Jaebum's mind goes into overdrive as he tries to think of why he would be here, while still set on pretending to not be here. He checks his discarded phone and winces as he sees the new notifications, all messages sent by Youngjae in the last half hour.

 

“Hyung~,” The cute whine cuts in before he can read them and Jaebum folds like a bad poker hand at the note of disappointment he can hear.

He gets up and goes to the door as quickly as he can when his left leg has gone half asleep from the prolonged awkward sitting position. After taking a deep breath, he opens the door.

 

“There you are hyung!”

Youngjae is grinning at him, wide and so happy like Jaebum is the best thing he's seen all week. Despite his misgivings, Jaebum can't help but grin back. He loves how alcohol never fails to turn Youngjae congeniality up to eleven. Game night isn't usually one for much drinking, as everyone gets really competitive and tries to be at the top of their game, but Youngjae's flush makes it apparent he's had one too many drinks.

 

“Youngjae..."  He trails, unsure how to continue.

 

“Hyung~,”  Youngjae repeats and pouts at him for increased effect.

 

Jaebum takes a second to appreciate how adorable he's being. “You're so cute, Jae-yah,”  he says, tone fond.

 

Jaebum pinches him on his cheek, where the flush sits high. He becomes aware of what he's done when Youngjae's eyes widen, his flush darkening under his fingers. Jaebum removes his hand as if burned and castigates his tired brain for his lack of impulse control.

  
He's thinking on whether he should apologize or shrug it off and pretend it was a completely normal thing to do when Youngjae lunges forward all of a sudden, colliding into him. He buries his head into Jaebum's neck (despite being the taller of the two) and soon after encircles his waist with his arms. Jaebum, flummoxed, can only tense as Youngjae gives him the warmest, best (most terrible) hug. He is standing straight as a ramrod while he fights the conflicting urges to throw Youngjae off him and close the door in his face or to bring him even closer and pepper his face with kisses.

His heart is beating furiously. Youngjae has to feel it, he thinks in a panic. How can he not with his chest pressed against his own, and his right cheek resting against Jaebum's pulse point? He makes a move to disentangle himself from Youngjae, who just tightens his hold and nuzzles Jaebum's neck.

“I haven't seen you all week, least you can do is hug me back,”  Youngjae humphs.

 

Jaebum would like to point out that they actually saw each other on Tuesday. Except he can't think beyond the feeling of Youngjae's lips brushing against his skin as well as the warm puff of air he breathed out as he spoke. Jaebum is speechless with it.

If Youngjae somehow missed his frantic heartbeat before, there is no way he does now. Hell, nevermind feel it, Jaebum is sure he can just as easily hear it, the way it is pounding hard against his ribcage. If he isn't hearing it now, he soon will. When he does, there's no doubt in Jaebum's mind that he will pull back. At worse, he'll inquire about it, and Jaebum can't see himself doing anything but tell him exactly why he is so affected by a simple hug. At best he'll think he shouldn't have crossed that line and they'll be back to the status quo, to friends with almost no skinship to speak of.

 

It's this thought that finally pulls Jaebum out of his reverie.

 

He wraps his arms around Youngjae's waist, and, after a moment of hesitation, crosses them at the small of his back. At the same time, he lets his head fall until his nose is brushing against Youngjae's hair. A pang of longing submerges him as he inhales Youngjae's scent (coconut shampoo, how sweet); and he pulls him closer to breathe him deeper still. He worries his embrace might be too strong, but Youngjae doesn't say anything, just relaxes further into him. He feels so warm and perfect in his arms.

Jaebum wants to laugh because he doesn't know how he'll be able to let him go when he knows he might not get another hug until long, if ever. And he wants to laugh too because, as nonsensical as it is, he's missed him these past few days.

 

“I've missed you” 

The words are barely above a whisper and for a split second Jaebum goes to curse his lack of brain to mouth filter when he registers the faint press of lips against his neck again. He didn't say it, Youngjae did.

 

Jaebum doesn't know what to do. He can't think of anything reasonable enough to answer with when being so close to Youngjae makes him want to throw all caution to the wind. So he tugs him even closer until he can feel all of Youngjae, from head to waist. He can hear a soft gasp, but Youngjae doesn't pull back. He closes his eyes while he buries his face in Youngjae's hair and inhales deeply, mouth pressed against the scalp to silence the three words that threaten to spill out. They stay like that for a while, lightly rocking together in the space between the hallway and his room. They don't say a word.

It feels amazing, as close as to what Jaebum wants that he'll ever get. It can't last, though, Jaebum is aware of that. The hug is getting too long too intimate to be just friendly, especially for two friends who don't touch much in the first place. Not to mention there's a good chance Youngjae is either tipsy or full on drunk and Jaebum doesn't want to feel like he is taking advantage of the situation.

 

Reluctantly, he pulls back and puts some space between them until they are not meld with each other anymore. Youngjae lets out a faint noise. He sounds disappointed and it takes Jaebum all he has to step back before his resolve breaks.

Youngjae's arms are still around him, though. For a few seconds, he sways on his feet, as if on the verge of taking a step forward to follow Jaebum and press into him again. But he steadies himself instead and lets his arms fall at his sides. Jaebum can still feel their warmth from where they were pressed against his back. He tries not to relish it too much. He has to get himself under control.


	2. Chapter 2

He clears his throat to break the silence, which from comfortable has grown awkward with the way Youngjae isn't saying a word, or even looking much at him.

“So... hum...What are you doing here?”

Youngjae flinches slightly, eyes wide when they meet his, hurt written all over his face. Jaebum wants to kick himself, both for his clumsy words as well at the reminder of how not sober Youngjae probably is: the younger boy is rarely such an open book.

Indeed, as forthcoming as Youngjae is when he's happy, he tends to keep his cards close to his chest whenever he feels more negative emotions. He once told Jaebum, in the first two months of their acquaintance, that he didn't want to feel like a burden. Jaebum suspects he only shared as much because he was caught crying, so the whole “I'm fine, hyung, you worry too much” pretense he had kept for days wouldn't be working anymore. Jaebum sat next to him and didn't say a thing until Youngjae felt comfortable enough to share what was troubling him. Youngjae opened more easily to him after that but he still tends to be guarded at times, his expressions reverting to neutral whenever he's less than happy. Jaebum can count on one hand the times he's seen Youngjae look as vulnerable as he does now. He hates that he's the one causing him distress.

 

“I mean, I'm happy to see you, of course! But why aren't you with the others?” He says, words stumbling in his hurry to get them out and reassure Youngjae.

 

Youngjae frowns, but at least he doesn't look like he wants to flee anymore. “You haven't read my texts?”

 

Jaebum rubs his neck with one hand and looks at him from under his bangs “ Hum, no, sorry. I was concentrating on something and didn't check my phone.”

 

“It's okay. You know... just sooner BamBam was complaining that you had answered his text wishing you a merry Christmas two days late. And Mark hyung and Yugyeom added that you ignore them half the time...”

Youngjae smiles, teasing, but there is something in the way he glances at him. For all the time Jaebum has spent watching him over the course of the last few months, covertly or otherwise, this is one of the few expressions that Youngjae gets sometimes that he can't read. It looks curious, but not just that, and all Jaebum can do is hope Youngjae isn't giving too much thought to their non-stop communication over the holiday break (and ever since). Or to how Jaebum had called on Christmas night and talked with him for almost two hours.

 

“Hum...”

Jaebum doesn't know how to continue with that. He wants to ask about how much Youngjae has had to drink since he doesn't sound drunk at all, and yet has hugged him for a good five minutes, which is unusual, to say the least. But there is a good chance he is making a mountain of a molehill. After all, friends hug. It's part of the course in platonic interactions. And the point still stands, even if he and Youngjae never did more than short one armed hugs before. His mind is working itself into overdrive and he still doesn't know what to add while he tries to manage the onslaught of thoughts. The awkwardness he feels at the situation must be written quite plainly on his face the way Youngjae smile drops.

 

“A- am I... Hum, is it a bad time? I mean Jinyoung hyung let it slip that you haven't had much luck composing lately, so I thought I'd come and distract you for a while since you've been working for a few hours already... But you've said you were busy with something?”

 

Jaebum is still well into his crisis, his Youngjae related crisis, so he kinda wants to lie and pretend that yes he is busy, nice to see you, see you later. But he can't stand how unsure Youngjae sounds, as if he knew he'd be unwelcome and is proven right.

 

“Nothing important, don't worry. So hum... come on in,” He says, moving aside.

 

Youngjae hesitates, eyes scanning his face as if to figure out if he's being sincere, and Jaebum hates he is the reason for his insecurity. He reaches out to pull on one of the strings of his pink sweatshirt (they've hugged, he figures he's allowed to) while gesturing for him to enter the room. It seems to be enough reassurance. Youngjae nods and bends down to retrieve a plastic bag from the floor.

 

“Great! I've brought stuff!” He says with a bright smile as he brushes past Jaebum.

As utterly unprepared Jaebum is for dealing with him alone and in close quarters, he can't help being swayed by his enthusiasm. He lets out a chuckle as he leans against the closed door, eyes not leaving Youngjae for even a second.

 

“I saw. It's the only reason I'm letting you in by the way”. He lies while he watches Youngjae give a curious look to the puzzle on the floor, before dropping off the bag beside it.

He has such a lovely profile, Jaebum thinks not for the first time. He wants to trace it with his fingers, to follow the curve of his forehead, the slope of his nose; to linger on the plump lips and plant a few kisses there too. He wants to caress the sharp jawline, the long line of his throat, to let his hand rest on the pulse point and feel his heartbeat thrum under the tip of his fingers.

 

Jaebum scolds himself for letting his imagination run wild once more and does his best to keep his face under control when Youngjae swirls around and takes a few steps towards him.

 

“Oh, like a right of passage?” He asks, smiling.

Jaebum nods, unable to form words as his gaze catches on the beauty mark under Youngjae's eye, as enticing as ever. There are faint traces of coconut shampoo in the air and Jaebum has to brace himself against the urge to take Youngjae in his arms until his scent is all he can breathe.

  
(Do they always stand this close?).

 

Youngjae's smile gets bigger, and he smacks him lightly on his chest, his hand resting on it one-two-three (Jaebum counts) seconds after the hit.

 

“Aren't you feeling too mighty and important tonight, hyung?”

 

Jaebum grins “Well, you did ditch game night for me, so shouldn't I?”

 

“I didn't ditch it, not exactly. I came here after I kicked everyone's ass at least once. It was getting boring anyway...”

 

“Oh?” Jaebum says, trying not to sound annoyed at being the second choice. Which is quite preposterous since not ten minutes ago he'd have given everything NOT to have Youngjae on his doorstep. But then again, he hasn't the best track record with rationality whenever Youngjae is involved. 

“Yeah, you know how BamBam and Yugyeom get after a while, all in their own bubble... Which wouldn't be that bad, I'm used to it after all. But Mark hyung pretty much monopolized Jinyoung hyung's attention all evening ...”

 

Jaebum clears his throat and gives a tight smile. “Jealous, are we?” He asks, hoping his bitterness isn't too obvious, and at the same time curses himself for his apparent need for punishment. He doesn't really want Youngjae to gush about Mark again, he's had his (yearly) dose of it, thank you very much.

 

“... What? Of whom ?”

Youngjae's bafflement is like a balm to Jaebum's heart and his lingering fear about him having feelings for his roommate.

 

“Hum... Of Jinyoung? For stealing the attention of your favorite hyung?” He tries for playful as if he didn't spend the past few days dwelling on the coffee shop conversation and wishing for not very nice things to happen to Mark. He does feel sorry about it, but not enough to stop doing it. Though he would feel guilty if Mark came to lose his hair.

 

Youngjae looks at him like he's grown a second head.“... But Jinyoung's hyung not here right now ? ” he trails, sounding confused.

 

What? Jaebum is a little baffled by his non-sequitur. Youngjae meets his quizzical expression with one of his own until his eyes and mouth open wide and he lets out a chuckle which sounds a tad forced.

 

“Oh. OH! _Mark_ hyung! My favorite hyung. Right!” he blurts out before laughing again, sounding genuine this time“No, no, I'm not jealous!” He adds, still cracking up like Jaebum told him the greatest joke. 

Jaebum cannot pretend to understand what just happened, but he feels reassured all the same about Mark and Youngjae's platonic relationship status. Of course, it doesn't help him one bit with regard to making his own relationship with the latter change to romantic, but at least he doesn't have to contend with Mark's good looks. Youngjae isn't shallow but he did say once he was too bisexual to deal well with how pretty people are, and Mark's pretty everything has been known to dazzle quite a few into foolishness.

 

“...Okay then. What I'm getting from this though is that you literally lied to my face when you said you' ve come here to check on me.”

 

Youngjae grins at his pretend offended tone. “I did come to see how you were doing, hyung. I just may have been driven to do so earlier than I first intended when game night turned into cuddle night.”

 

To his horror, Jaebum finds himself answering with a flirtatious “So you've come here to find a cuddle partner of your own?” 

As soon as he hears himself say it, he has to fight the strong desire to flee his own room. It's pretty innocuous as flirting goes. Nothing he wouldn't have jokingly said to Jinyoung or Jackson. To Mark even. But this is Youngjae. The one he kinda wants a lifetime worth of cuddles (and more). The one he's trying, and failing fast at this pace, to hide his unrequited love from.

 

Youngjae laughs, looking blessedly unaware of Jaebum's inner turmoil. “ Maybe...” he replies after a beat.

The seductive tone combined with the impish purse of his lips shake Jaebum to his core. He has no time to dwell on it, though, since Youngjae tugs on his shirt.

 

“Come on! I bet you didn't even eat anything.”

Jaebum grimaces, unable to say that he did, and Youngjae shakes his head in disapproval, tugging on his shirt again. Jaebum tries very hard not to focus on the faint press of knuckles against his clothed stomach.

He follows Youngjae's lead and sits on the floor, near the puzzle. He feels warmed by the action like he always does. Indeed, like the self-respecting clean freak he is, Jaebum shudders at the mere thought of crumbs. Which means he doesn't eat on his bed and doesn't like it one bit when people do. Still, he's had to learn to allow it this year, when Yugyeom, BamBam, and Youngjae joined their group of friends. After all, there is not much free space when the seven of them are gathered, and even in smaller groups, he can understand the need for comfort. Not to mention that he gets loud whines and disrespectful rolls of eyes whenever he tries to protest against it.

Youngjae never does any of that, though. Never did. Jaebum has told him many times he could do make himself comfortable on his bed like the others do without even bothering to ask. He means it too, but Youngjae always replies with a smile that he's just as good on the floor. It's one of the many things Jaebum loves about him. How he can come into his space and inhabit it, understanding the rules governing it, often without being told what they are. The same way he knows when to sit quietly or when to offer his help and hindsight when Jaebum is working on his compositions. They mesh with each other well that way.

 

Youngjae rummages through the plastic bag and hands Jaebum a can of sikhye and a bag of chips.

 

“Well, that's balanced...” Jaebum drawls even as he opens the bag and takes a few chips in his hand.

 

“Shut up, hyung. It's all I could grab from our room. You should be thankful there's anything left by the way since Mark eats almost as much as you do. And don't pretend I don't know you survived the finals on ramen and red bull. You don't get to lecture me or anyone on a proper diet.”

 

“Ok, ok... Damn, you get so mouthy sometimes. You could have brought me some beer at least. I know for a fact Jinyoung's bought a 12 pack, I didn't think you'd drink it all.”

 

“We didn't. I had two, and I saved an extra one for you. I'm just not letting you drink it on an empty stomach.”

 

Jaebum is at the same time surprised at how little Youngjae has drunk, his mind stuck even more on their earlier hug, and warmed by his thoughtfulness.

 

“I ate,”  he protests.

For breakfast, he doesn't add. He didn't even notice until now he hasn't had anything since, too focused on dealing with his assignments and ongoing crisis.

 

Youngjae looks at him unconvinced “Right. In the last twelve hours?”

 

“...”

 

“ I thought so. You get so focused sometimes, every other concern disappears. It's not good, hyung.” He frowns and nudges a pack of cherry tomatoes towards him. “Here, for your daily ratio of vegetables”

 

“...You do know tomatoes are considered a fruit, right?” Jaebum grins, teasing.

 

Youngjae narrows his eyes at him. “Eat before I shove the whole thing down your throat, hyung.”

 

Jaebum grin gets even wider at the threat but he does as he's told. They don't talk for a while, eating in comfortable silence.

 

 

“So that's what you were so busy with?” Youngjae asks after a few minutes, pointing at the puzzle behind them with the chips in his hand.

The playful tilt of his mouth predictably draws Jaebum's attention to it. He can see the salt crystals on Youngjae's lips and longs to lunge forward to lick them clean. He takes a sip of his drink to counter the sudden dryness of his mouth and lets his gaze drift away to the mess of pieces. Jaebum shrugs, embarrassed but unwilling to reveal exactly what he spent most of his time on.

 

“I can't believe you abandoned me for this.”

 

“Right, despicable me, abandoning you with all our friends;” He rolls his eyes at Youngjae, who only smiles in response. “And I didn't exactly spend all night on that. I did try to compose but it went nowhere. So I figured I might as well try and take my mind off things.”

 

“You should have come then... You know you're always welcome, hyung.”

 

“I didn't feel like being around people,” He says “ But I'm glad you're here, Youngjae. You're good company.” He quickly adds when he sees Youngjae tense, and relishes the soft, shy smile he gets in response.

He means it. Even if he didn't go to game night for the sole reason of avoiding him. Even if he has to fight the ever present urge to kiss him, or the new desire to confess his undying love at every turn. Youngjae is sweet and companionable. As always, it feels good to just be around him.

 

“Do you want your beer?” Youngjae asks, obviously satisfied with the quick work Jaebum made of the food.

 

 He hands him the can at Jaebum's small nod and turns to the puzzle again, brow furrowed.

 

“Hyung, do you remember what you told Jackson then?”

 

“Then?”

 

“Yes. At the coffee shop, a few days before his and Namjoon's six months anniversary.”

 

Jaebum does remember. 

They were all gathered in a corner, listening to Jackson gush about Namjoon, how he was such a perfect fit he was for him, his “missing puzzle piece” Jaebum, hating the way Jinyoung's smile was getting dimmer and faker as Jackson went on, had all but snapped at him. “For fuck sake, there are no missing piece, no hole in your soul waiting to be filled by another person, or whatever crappy metaphor pop songs are fond of. That's just a load of bullshit, Jackson.”. It didn't go further than that, as BamBam put a quick end to the stunned silence by asking Jackson what he was intending to wear for the special occasion. And that was the end of it, everyone no doubt putting Jaebum's sudden outburst on the headache he was complaining about earlier.

He winces at the memory, surprised that Youngjae remembers something he's said six months ago. The only reason he does is because his brain likes to periodically remind him of all the times he's fucked up (still, Jinyoung, while disapproving, had looked less hurt so Jaebum has never found it in him to regret it too much).

 

“I'm surprised you even remember it”.

 

Youngjae gaze falls onto the puzzle again, then meets his head on. “I pay attention...” 

The phrasing is innocuous, but the way Youngjae says it, eyes never leaving his makes it less so. Jaebum can't quite handle the “to you” he thinks he can hear in the ellipsis.

 

“So?” Youngjae asks, chirpy tone at odds with his tensed shoulders.

“So?” Jaebum repeats, trying to make sense of the underlying tension of their exchange.

 

He knows what Youngjae is asking and he knows he's being as unresponsive as he can get away with. The thing is, he's not sure he is ready to open up about his view of love and relationships to the one person who made him think about those exact subjects like never before.

Or maybe he is ready, since when Youngjae laughs like he knows Jaebum's being difficult on purpose and asks “Care to expand on it?”, he easily answers.

 

“There's not much to add.” He shrugs. “I get the metaphor. I simply don't think you should want for someone to complete you.”

 

“Why? Do you believe they'd fall short of doing so?"

 

“Of course they would.”

 

“That's a bit cynical of you, no? I'm surprised, considering how cheesy you can be. I'd have pinned you down as more of a romantic...”

 

Jaebum wants to laugh as he remembers all the disgustingly domestic fantasies he's ever had about him.

 

“And you'd be right... On the second part at last. I am... a romantic I mean,” he says, head down as if confessing to some embarrassing secret but Youngjae looks fond and it gives him enough confidence to continue. “I just think you should yearn to be as a whole as you can be on your own, instead of seeking completeness in another person.”

 

“What about love then?” 

Jaebum sighs as he ponders how to respond to that. He doesn't know what to think of how uncharacteristically serious Youngjae is being, like his answers really matter for some reason. That combined with all the feelings always bubbling under the surface when Youngjae's concerned is enough to make him feel unbalanced.

 

“I do think people you love can make your life better, richer, make you see things you aren't able to when you're set in your own path. But love isn't about you, ultimately. That's why I don't like the idea of seeing the person you love as your missing piece. It's reductive and selfish, and it places unrealistic expectations on them and the relationship you have.”

 

So Jaebum doesn't think anyone has to be completed by someone else to get the entire picture of who they are. But he believes that sometimes when you put two complete puzzles side by side, there is an even bigger picture that can be revealed, tones contrasting and complementing one another perfectly. He wants that for him and Youngjae. And maybe the composite image wouldn't be as beautiful as he wishes it to be, but he longs to see it all the same. He hopes Youngjae might want that too one day.

As for now, though, he doesn't quite know how to meet the gaze he can feel the heft of on him. He feels stripped bare in a way he rarely lets himself be, all this talk about love kindling both the fear and longing Youngjae so easily ignites. He starts playing with some pieces, to keep his mind and hands busy, and to have a somewhat valid excuse as to why his eyes are still fixated on the ground.

 

“ Ok I get it now,”  Youngjae says, quiet in a way he often is lately.

 

“You do?” Jaebum asks, looking up. He struggles not to avert his eyes again as he takes in Youngjae's warm expression. This is new. The warmth isn't, but the way Youngjae is conveying it is, somehow.

 

“I do. And I agree with you. But you are so serious about it, hyung. I don't think people who say they are looking for their missing piece are thinking about it so in depth. Or are so selfish about it. Take Jackson: he is one of the most selfless and caring people I know...”

 

“You're right.” He sighs, tension leaking from him as the conversation finally comes full circle. “It's just everywhere, in songs, books, and movies. Nevermind the dangerous expectations it can carry, I think it's very lazy.”

 

Youngjae chuckles, the sound furthering dispelling the weight their conversation unexpectedly brought.

 

“Alright, alright I get it hyung, no puzzle metaphor for you...”

 

Something must show on Jaebum's face because Youngjae trails off. “Or maybe...”. 

He rummages through the scattered pieces, taking two corner pieces. He lays them so that they rest back to back. “Something like this?”

 

Jaebum doesn't say anything, can't when he feels so winded. “Something like this” indeed. His face must have done the talking once more since Youngjae answers “I see...” without prompting. Jaebum doesn't know what to add, so he takes the two pieces and tries to find where they fit with the others he's already assembled into a frame. Youngjae must understand the invitation between the gesture, and he begins to rummage for pieces again.

They are back to comfortable silence, metaphorical puzzles forgotten in the face of a very real, tricky one. The quiet is occasionally broken whenever Jaebum starts humming, Youngjae always joining in until they're harmonizing together.

 

Suddenly, there's a hand brushing back Jaebum's bangs away from his eyes, just as he was grumbling under his breath about not seeing anything. He looks up to see Youngjae, eyes on his fringe, fondness obvious in the purse of his lips.

 

“It's grown so long so fast.”

 

Youngjae seems to realize what he's implied at the same time Jaebum does, and he gives him his most impish smile.

 

And nevermind Youngjae talking to him about love, Jaebum really doesn't want to converse about sex with him. He might combust both from lust and the lingering shame that Youngjae has been the unaware star of his fantasies and wet dreams for months now.... Maybe there is some truth to the saying. Maybe the barrage of lustful thoughts Jaebum can't quite keep at bay has something to do with the quick growth of his hair. In any case, he's not too keen on Youngjae probing him about it.

 

“Don't you dare say whatever it is you're thinking about Choi Youngjae”, he warns.

For a split second, Youngjae looks like he's going to until he seems to think better of it. He tenses and, after an almost whispered “Alright, I won't.” puts more distance between them.

(Jaebum didn't realize how close they were until then).

 

The silence gets...weird after that. Youngjae is concentrated on the puzzle, but the tension, evident in the way he's carrying himself, is enough indication that he's acutely aware of the awkwardness permeating the room all of a sudden.

As for Jaebum, he once more fails to come up with anything to say, mind focused on making note of all the unusual displays of skinship this night has brought so far. He wonders if this is the new stage of their friendship, if Youngjae feels now comfortable enough to allow himself gestures he didn't before. And if so, he's well fucked. There is no way someone even as oblivious as Youngjae won't eventually catch up on the effect his skinship has on Jaebum.

 

Once again, it's Youngjae who breaks the silence. He does it with a terrible: “What is it hyung? You look...puzzled.” 

Jaebum can't do anything but groan and smack him lightly on the knee in reprimand. Still, he can't fight the grin the awful joke, or rather the unbridled joy Youngjae obviously got from telling it, brings to his face.Youngjae is grinning back at him, looking very satisfied with himself for the joke and the reaction it got him.

 

“That was dreadful, Youngjae. You really should stop spending so much time with Mark, it doesn't help your sense of humor at all.”

 

“Hum..." Youngjae looks pensive. “But by that logic shouldn't I also stop hanging out with you too, hyung?” He asks, a picture of innocence if not for the tremble of his lips making it clear he's holding back a smile.

Jaebum smacks him on his knee again, fighting the urge to let his hand linger. Youngjae looks affronted and slaps him on the chest in retaliation. Jaebum pretend-glares at him. Youngjae pretend-glares back, then, after a moment of deliberation obvious in the shiftiness of his eyes, sticks out his tongue at him.

 

Jaebum gasps.

 

“Oh, you're going down, Youngjae.”

 

“It's cute that you actually believe it, hyung,” Youngjae replies, serene.

 

Oh, them's fightin' words.

 

Soon enough, they're battling it out, the room filling with the sounds of their childish scuffle as well as their breathless cackling. Eventually, Jaebum gets a hold of Youngjae's wrists and smirks at him.

 

“You are going down,” he repeats.

 

Youngjae glances down at his smirk, then meets his eyes, a fierce expression on his face. He manages to shake the hold Jaebum has, but not before they're both falling onto the puzzle, making a mess of it. They both stop moving, breaths held and eyes wide on each other. Jaebum pushes himself up a little to inspect the damage. He groans and falls back onto his side at the sight of the widely scattered around pieces. So much for their hard work. Youngjae is lying still, looking apologetic. He's also holding himself stiffly as if he's afraid he'll make more damage if he moves even one muscle.

Jaebum tries to feel annoyed just to prove to himself Youngjae hasn't him completely wrapped around his little finger, but it's an arduous task and he's as much at fault. Plus, there are not even 30 centimeters between their faces now, which is a definite win in Jaebum's book, even if his heart does its best to beat out its way out of his chest.

 

Still, he can't help but whine. “I can't believe this. You're the worst dongsaeng, Youngjae.”

 

Youngjae seems to recognize the forgiveness behind Jaebum's petulant tone and his posture relaxes a bit.

 

“I'm really sorry, hyung... Even if you're to blame too.” 

He grins as if he knows he's pushing it, and Jaebum can do anything but grin back, helplessly.

 

“You're terrible,”  he murmurs (for my heart, he doesn't say).

He flicks Youngjae lightly on the forehead, just below his tousled hair. He can feel how soft it is on the tip of his index, and he longs to run his hand through it (to grab it and use it to tilt Youngjae's head backward, in optimal kissing position).

 

Youngjae doesn't deny anything, just hums. He stays silent for a while, eyes downcast, a small frown on his face. The way he is biting his lower lip transmutes Jaebum's blood into liquid fire. He wants, so much. He wants to run his thumb on the abused lip, he wants to capture it with his own, to kiss Youngjae until they're both breathless with it. He flushes at the vivid picture his mind is painting and tries to get a grip on it before his body can betray his line of thought. He takes a few deep breaths and makes a conscious effort to let relax his strained muscles.

He's itching to move (turns out, laying down close to the person you're really into? Not as good an idea as he thought), or to break the silence. But he can tell that Youngjae's gearing up for... Well, Jaebum doesn't know what for, but he doesn't want to back him up against a wall. He holds onto himself and waits.

 

Finally, Youngjae props himself up on one elbow, head resting against his hand. He looks at Jaebum and speaks. “I'm still your favorite, though. Right?”

 

It's quiet but it resonates all the same. Youngjae sounds both sure and expectant, which is more than Jaebum knows to do with.

 

His slightly raised position makes Jaebum all the more aware of the weight of his gaze on him. He fidgets, his knees brushing Youngjae's when he does, and immediately readjusts himself so that they're not touching anymore.

 

“Jinyoung is my best friend.”

Youngjae hums again. He looks sideways then back down again, eyes steady on Jaebum's elusive ones.

 

“That's not a no,” he points out, lips quirked up.

 

“That's not a yes either."

Jaebum is aware that he's stalling but he doesn't know where this conversation is going, and he doesn't know how to interpret the almost solemnity which underlines their banter.

 

Youngjae smiles “A maybe then...” words echoing the ones uttered earlier, seductive tone more subdued but still there.

 

Is... Is Youngjae flirting with him? Again? It boggles Jaebum's mind but he doesn't believe he's making it up either. He gets a happy, excited kick at that until he remembers his previous concerns about their friendship. Right, how could he forget? Youngjae is a shameless flirt. After all, Jaebum has been the unwilling witness of him calling out Mark or Jackson by a “hey handsome” rather than their names enough times to know that.

So that's it then, he's finally made the grade. Youngjae is now comfortable enough around him to act with him like he does with any of their friends. Great. Amazing. His hope deflates, or rather bursts like an inflated balloon pricked with a pin, in a soundless but powerful deflagration.

 

Jaebum tries not to let any of that show on his face as he goes from lying to sitting down again.

 

“If you say so.” He shrugs to convey his complete, 100% fake nonchalance “Just so you know, I spent quite some time on that puzzle. There will be payback...”

 

He expects some form of protest at what is mostly a joke, but Youngjae sits up too and nods, eyes on the scattered pieces.

 

“Right. Of course, hyung,”  He sounds subdued and his smile is a good fraction more dim than the ones he has gifted Jaebum until then. “So... hum, do you want us to try and work on the puzzle again?”

 

“No, I think I'm done with it for now. I'll just retrieve the pieces from where they're scattered and put them away.” 

Youngjae nods, still looking muted, as well as a bit closed off. If Jaebum didn't know better, he'd say he is looking defeated, but it's more likely that he's getting tired. Of course, Youngjae is too considerate to go and leave him when there's a mess to clean, so Jaebum figures he might as well give him the okay to do so.

 

“You can go if you want to, Youngjae...”

 

“Are you... Are you kicking me out, hyung?”  The tone is teasing but there's a tremble to his smile.

 

“What? No! Of course not. I'm just saying you don't have to stay if you're tired.”

 

“I'm not," He says and gathers the closest pieces in a pile.

 

“Are you sure? And if this is about my payback talk, you know I was joking, right?”

 

“I know. And I am sure, quit worrying about it.” Youngjae slaps him on the shoulder to emphasize his point, some of his brightness back, even if not to its full intensity yet. “But maybe you're the one who is tired? You can tell me hyung, I promise I'll do my best not to tease you too much about it. You are getting old after all, midnight on a Saturday is probably pushing it, right?”

 

Jaebum gasps in disbelief. He gets on his knees to draw closer to where Youngjae is sitting and better loom over him. He takes a handful of his pink sweatshirt and is surprised that the latter doesn't even try to prevent him from doing so. Instead, Youngjae looks up at him, unmoving, a hint of anticipation in his unnervingly steady gaze. Jaebum was going for a chokehold, but for some reason, perhaps an urge to mess with that steadiness, he reaches for Youngjae's sides instead.

He takes a few seconds to relish the way Youngjae eyes widen in surprise, then runs his fingers from Youngjae's waist to his ribcage in fleeting up and down motions. The contact is hindered by the layers of clothes (Jaebum dismissed the idea of getting his hands under the sweatshirt for more efficiency as very dangerous), but Youngjae shudders soon enough. He is obviously trying to keep himself in check but he's failing fast, the corners of his lips twitching with the effort not to laugh.

“H-hyung!” He protests loudly, voice cracking at the end of the word as he fails to contain his laughter anymore.

He gets on his knees too, trying to get away, but Jaebum is quick to catch him up by the waist. He brings him closer to him with one hand, while the other still runs over Youngjae's twitching figure, trying to find the most sensitive spots to exploit and get more of those bursts of uncontrollable laughter. Jaebum is mesmerized by how Youngjae is unable to keep a single expression in place, features rearranging themselves constantly, from glare to helpless amusement to fierce concentration. Jaebum loves it, loves the feeling that he's making him unravel, even if not quite in the way he's dwelled on many times in the privacy of his own mind.

Spurred by Youngjae's reaction and the desire to push it even further, he slips one hand under the sweatshirt and runs his fingers there. He didn't really think things through, which becomes apparent when his hand meets not only the expected fabric but also warm, delicious, soft skin. Jaebum is close enough to Youngjae now that when he gasps at the touch, he feels the inhalation right on his lips and chin. He withdraws his hand immediately as if burned (and it might as well be the way the tip of his fingers are tingling). At the same time, Youngjae puts both of his hands on his chest and pushes back, putting some space between them. He lets out a few shaky breaths, a mix of gasps and aborted chuckles. His head is down, its crown brushing against Jaebum chest, right between the pectorals where his hands are still resting on.

The several points of contact are almost too much when Jaebum already has to deal with his mind replaying the sensation of the warm skin and warm breath over and over again. He does his best not to imagine those in a whole different context in order to ward off the heat building up in his gut. Finally, he puts a hand on Youngjae's shoulder, a little disconcerted by how silent and immobile he is when his breathing now sounds mostly under control.

 

“Youngjae, are you okay?” He asks, wondering if he's been so lost in his own enjoyment that he's missed him express discomfort in any way.

 

“... I'm fine, hyung,”  His voice is a little choked, but when he leans back to sit, Jaebum doesn't see any indication that he's feeling less than fine.

However, Jaebum is starting to feel distressed himself as he takes the sight of him in (they're still so close he feels Youngjae exhalations against his throat): the disheveled hair, the bright eyes shining with unshed tears of laughter, the delicious pink flush... But nothing causes him quite as much distress as Youngjae's bitten red mouth. Jaebum wants to soothe the bite marks adorning the plump lower lip with his tongue and lips, as well as add a few marks of his own. It takes him a few seconds to get himself under control and tear his eyes away from the tempting sight. He's lucky that Youngjae's pretty much looking everywhere but Jaebum's face since he doesn't think he'd be able to come up with a convincing lie to explain the direction of his gaze.

 

Jaebum clears his throat and sits back on his calves to put some distance between them.

 

“Shouldn't you be apologizing?”

 

Youngjae eyes snap to his own at long last, and he makes a deliberate show of rolling them “You tickled me for no good reason, what should I be apologizing for? If anything you should be the to offer an apology for attacking me, hyung.”

 

“...Are you seriously going to pretend you didn't call me old?”

 

“I said you were _getting_ old, which is totally not the same thing. And I was only showing concern for your sleep quota, hyung. Like the good dongsaeng I am.” 

He sounds hurt, and Jaebum doesn't think that even Jinyoung could fake innocence nearly as well. But Youngjae has never been interested in keeping a facade for too long and he starts to grin after just a few seconds, tongue peeking between his teeth in what Jaebum considers a very rude display of unaware teasing.

 

He sighs. “That's such bullshit, I'm appalled. But whatever. Now be the good dongsaeng you pretend to be and help me clean this mess.”

 

Youngjae nods while he does his best imitation of an otter, eyes shut and big closed-mouth smile. He probably thinks he's being cute... and he is, unfairly so, Jaebum thinks while trying very hard not to grin like the fool in love he is at the sight.

 

 

“I still can't believe Jinyoung hyung got you a puzzle as a Christmas present,”  Youngjae says after a while as if he hadn't been there for the exchange of gifts. All of them had, gathered in this same room before the break, to share presents and holiday spirit.

 

Jaebum shrugs.“He knows I really like them and he likes to remind people how boring I am. His words, by the way.”

 

Youngjae chuckles and gets back to picking up the pieces of the puzzle. Jaebum waits a bit for it but, no, Youngjae keeps silent. Unbelievable.

 

“... Hum, I'm pretty sure this is the part where you say I'm not boring, Choi Youngjae.”

 

“Is it?”  Youngjae has the nerve to ask “Are you going to prompt me on what I should say from now on?”

 

“ I will if it can prevent you from being rude to your hyung.”

 

“But hyung, wouldn't it be more disrespectful to lie to you?”

 

Jaebum lets out a sharp breath at the offense. His mouth stays ajar when Youngjae guffaws, and almost collides into him as he keeps laughing with abandon. Jaebum takes advantage of it, dragging him closer to put him in a loose chokehold. Youngjae laughter doesn't subside, even when Jaebum drags his knuckles around his scalp a few times. Eventually, it dies down, and Jaebum has ample time to contemplate on how going for retribution was a mistake when Youngjae collapses against him, breathless. Not that Jaebum minds it, really, but between this, the hug and the end of his tickling attack, he is starting to worry that his heart is going to beat itself into a frenzy very soon.

 

Luckily, Youngjae leans back soon enough, and the awkwardness Jaebum feels doesn't seem to affect him, if the way he's grinning at him indicates.

 

“It's okay that you're serious and a little boring sometimes, hyung.”

 

Jaebum bristles slightly at the words, but he also knows what he's about. He can't protest too much. But the lucidity doesn't go as far as to prevent him from shooting Youngjae an unamused glare. As always, Youngjae doesn't seem too cowed by it but at least his grin dims down to a smile (Jaebum refuses to acknowledge he's a little sad about it).

 

“ I mean it. It's alright. I like that, it makes you more real.”

 

Jaebum adds it to the list of things which are not making sense this night, and asks, “Than?”

 

Youngjae seems a little flustered now. He looks down at the piece he's just picked up and fiddles with it.

 

“I don't know, more real than the whole Im Jaebum, regular heartthrob image that you're projecting sometimes.”

 

Jaebum looks at Youngjae in stunned silence for a few seconds, and then he cracks up, laughing so hard that he almost loses his balance. The only reason he doesn't fall down on his back is Youngjae, who reaches out to grab his arm and doesn't release it until Jaebum's steady enough on his own. Jaebum barely registers the touch though as he keeps laughing at the description. He can't think of one more ill-suited to him. It clashes so wildly with how terribly he's dealt with his feelings for Youngjae, how absolutely incapable of acting on them he's been. Which is actually out of character for him: he's never been afraid to go after things or people he wants. But then again, he's never felt this way about anything or anyone before, not even close, and the weight and extent of it stun him into inaction.

He tries to control his fits of laughter, hiding his head in his hands. Maybe if he doesn't see Youngjae's expression, a perfect mix of surprise and frustration, he will eventually calm down.

 

“It's really not that funny, hyung!”

 

And yeah objectively it probably isn't, but the sheer irony of Youngjae of all people saying those words make them hilarious and/or sad. Jaebum's done with the self-pity party, for the time being, so laughing at himself and the situation seems like the right thing to do. He bursts into laughter again.

 

“Oh my god, stop!” Youngjae whines in embarrassment.

He punctuates his words with a smack to Jaebum's thigh and the way his nails dig slightly into the fabric has Jaebum sobering up real fast. He straightens up and clears his throat, trying to mask the harsh dry swallow he can't help.

 

“Ok, ok, I'm done. But come on, Youngjae, you know I'm nothing like that. Like, at all.”

 

“I never said you were. I know you're not. I'm just saying that a lot of the time you don't look the way you are... I like the reminders that you're not your image. That you're more.”

 

“More boring, you mean.”

 

Youngjae meets his half glare with a bright smile.

 

“Sure. Amongst other things.”

 

He doesn't look like he wants to expand on what those are, so Jaebum doesn't insist. Youngjae can be evasive if he wishes to. If the other things are in the same vein than boring and serious, Jaebum's not too sure he wants not know about them anyway. Although he doesn't mind too much how matter-of-factly Youngjae is about it, like it doesn't really matter anyway. It makes him feel seen and known for all he is, and not appreciated one bit less.

As someone who struggled a lot in his past with the wildly different ways people saw him and how they reflected their opinions back to him; Jaebum has learned to be fiercely self-reliant. But at the same time, he always takes great comfort when he's liked for all he is. So he's warmed by how earnest Youngjae sounded when he said he not only didn't mind the less exciting parts of his personality but liked them too. It's getting really hard not to read too much into things, but Jaebum manages it.

 

“OK but still...“heartthrob”, really?”

 

Youngjae shrugs.“You know you have that whole..mystique thing working for you with strangers.”

 

“You mean the part where I'm shy so I come off as cold and closed off and some people seem to like that for some reason?”

 

Youngjae suddenly exclaims “So cool! So chic!” in an overly excited voice, while clutching at his chest. Despite being embarrassed, Jaebum has to hand it to him: it's a pretty spot-on imitation of Jackson.

 

“Please don't. He didn't even try to be discreet the last time he pulled that shit out...”

 

He grimaces at the fresh memory. It happened during a midnight run at the convenience store barely three days ago. He was famished and grumpy because of it. The mix of politeness and standoffishness was apparently very appealing to the cashier who kept flirting with him. She wasn't picking up the hints that Jaebum wasn't interested and he was tired enough to almost consider disclosing his sexuality to put an end to it. That was when Jackson had joined him at the counter and almost shouted the four words in his ears. Jaebum couldn't get out fast enough.

 

Youngjae looks like he's struggling very hard not to grin. He does a terrible job of it, what with the way the corner of his lips keep twitching “He told me you were in such a hurry to leave you forgot your drink. And scattered your change all over the place.”

 

Jaebum can only sigh and try not to clench his jaw too hard.

 

“Of course he did. That solidifies it then: he and Jinyoung will be the first to go as soon as I get new friends.”

 

Youngjae doesn't even try to hide his grin this time. "That's what you get from ditching us all week. I'm not feeling sorry for you either, not with all the discounts you get from that blond barista alone.” 

He sounds ticked off, which is rich considering he gets flirted at regularly and has been offered leftover pastries at least three times Jaebum's aware of. That's why he likes Jae (the blond barista) best: he's never tried to woo Youngjae with desserts under false pretenses such as, “they would go to waste anyway” and “you're such a sweet and loyal customer”.

 

“Well if there was any 'mystique' working for me there, it is probably well and gone after he took my order on Tuesday.”

 

He doesn't mind it either way. He's never put a lot of stock in being thought attractive by others. Some find him appealing, others don't, and that's it really. He doesn't get why he gets such flustered reactions sometimes. He doesn't see it, his features quite rough to him when taken separately, eyes too small, nose too long and everything else to sharp and angular. Not that he's lamenting it. He's very comfortable in his own skin in fact. But his confidence lies elsewhere, in his talent, determination, and diligence.

 

Youngjae laughs “Nothing like a ridiculous sweet tooth to kill any bad boy vibes I guess. How much whip cream did you even ask for?”

 

Jaebum is surprised. Youngjae wasn't there when he had ordered, and he didn't ask him what he was drinking either.

 

“... How?”

 

“Please, give me some credit, hyung. Sikhye is your favorite beverage, you probably drink it more than you do water. Plus the last time we all got smashed and went to find the greasiest thing to eat in the morning, you forwent burgers and had a banana split instead. And two milkshakes.”

 

“Hum... I guess you do pay attention..” It's cute how Youngjae lights up at the words “If you want to embarrass me, you're too late to the game though, sorry. Jinyoung has been mocking me mercilessly about my choice of drinks for years. I'm pretty much immune to it by now.”

 

“You really think this is me trying to embarrass you?”

Youngjae sounds and looks both baffled and a little annoyed, and Jaebum doesn't quite understand the sudden change of mood.

 

“Hum, yes? I mean...”

 

He's cut off by Youngjae, whose annoyance seems to have turned into full-blown irritation. “Oh my god, seriously?” He exclaims in English, like he tends to do at the most random times “I can't believe this! How can you be so..SO... UGH!”

 

Jaebum doesn't get what he did to annoy him so much, and it's enough to get him a little ticked off.

 

“So what, Youngjae?” He doesn't quite snap but it's the closest he's ever been to do so with him.

Youngjae makes him feel a lot of things, happy, hopeless, grateful, jealous, aroused, overwhelmed... But never annoyed, never angry. He hates how close of that he is, just because Youngjae is looking so frustrated and disappointed and Jaebum doesn't have a clue as to why. He desperately wishes he did.

 

Youngjae's eyes snap to his, wide and frantic. “ No--nothing! I'm sorry, hyung, I'm...I didn't mean anything bad, I swear.”

 

His irritation now gone as quickly as it appeared, leaving dejection behind. Jaebum feels his own annoyance fall away too at Youngjae's sincere apology, and he wants nothing more than take him in his arms and comfort him. But that would probably make things worse, and he doesn't think he deserves another hug, until he fixes this at least.

He still can't pretend to understand what set off Youngjae in the first place or even dismiss his own annoyance as completely uncalled for but he probably could have handled it better than in his usual short-tempered way. He kinda feels like the biggest asshole in the universe for making someone as happy and vibrant as Youngjae look so sad.“Way to treat the person you're in love with, Im Jaebum”, he scolds himself.

 

“It's okay Youngjae. I'm sorry too, for being so terse. But I really don't get what I did to annoy you, so... hum, tell me?”

 

Youngjae shakes his head, eyes everywhere but on Jaebum's face. “It's nothing, hyung, Don't mind it.”

 

“Come on Youngjae, don't do that. I know you. You're kind and patient almost to a fault, you don't get annoyed for no good reason. I messed up and I would like to know how, so that I can apologize for it.”

 

“I told you, hyung. It's nothing.”

His tone is indifferent enough to make Jaebum almost believe him, but there's something in the way Youngjae is looking at him that is so similar to how he did earlier. Like he wants to say something but doesn't quite dare to do so. Like he is hoping that Jaebum will piece it together anyway.

 

“Youngjae...”

 

“I mean it hyung, you didn't do anything wrong. It's...” He gulps and licks his lips before continuing “It's me... Just me.” 

There's weight to these last words, obvious in the way he tenses and his voice trail almost to a murmur when he utters them. But then he gives him a wry smile, in an obvious dismissal of this, and Jaebum wants to scream in frustration, the bitterness of it so wrong on Youngjae's face. His eyes scan his face in search for clues but Youngjae's features have rearranged themselves into his more neutral mask.

 

“Come on Youngjae, I know that's not it. And I can't make it better if I don't know what is bothering you in the first place.”

 

Youngjae sounds frustrated when he replies, obviously eager to put this conversation to rest. “ There is nothing to make better, hyung! We're okay. Great even. Friends forever and all. I just..”

 

Youngjae stops himself then, eyes downcast and pursed lips.

 

“... Just?”

 

Jaebum feels insistent in a way he never is with Youngjae, always so careful to give him enough time and space to express himself comfortably. But all their interactions this night have him on edge, both the words said and the ones he can feel brimming under the surface in the way Youngjae holds back. Like he's afraid of what he might reveal if he doesn't.

Jaebum has doubts. A lot of them in fact, but he knows things are strange between them. And all the rationalizations he's come up with so far don't manage to make sense to all of it. Don't even come close to as a matter of fact. He first thought that he was the cause of the tension. After all, he's admitted to himself of being in love with Youngjae not even a week ago and has avoided him since then. So it'd stand to reason that he'd be the one making things awkward, even unconsciously so.

But for all his caution and staunch refusal to get his hopes up in his fear of getting his heart broken into smithereens, Jaebum is done listening only to his doubts to the exclusion of everything else. So he can't deny that Youngjae hasn't been quite like himself either. So warm and tactile one moment, so serious and closed off the next. He thinks he's finally making sense of it all.

 

But Youngjae just shrugs.

 

“I'm just tired, that's all. Nothing to worry about. Sorry again, hyung, I didn' t mean to get cranky...I guess I'm the one who needs my beauty sleep after all,” he says as lets out a small, perfunctory chuckle. “... So yeah, I should go.”

 

He gets up in a hurry and is almost at the door when Jaebum stops him with a touch on his arm. Youngjae doesn't turn, doesn't say anything but he doesn't shake Jaebum's hand off, nor is he taking further steps towards the door and that's good enough for now.

 

Jaebum doesn't think anymore that he's the only cause of this relentless push and pull they've engaged in all night. So he can't let him go, not when he so ardently needs to know if the tension he feels is the same for Youngjae. If he too feels like they are on the cusp of something and wants for nothing more than that last final shove to go and push them both together. But nothing will happen if Jaebum keeps being so damn cowardly, so he summons all his courage and takes a few steps until he's facing Youngjae, his back to the door.

 

“Jae-yah,'” Jaebum calls, voice barely above a whisper because this feels fragile and even if he's ready to throw caution to the wind, at long last, he still needs to be careful with him.

 

Youngjae's head is still downcast and slightly turned away from him. But Jaebum can see well enough the way his eyes move so fast under his eyelids, frenzy in stark contradiction with how motionless he's standing. He takes a deep breath and brings his hand from Youngjae's arm to his neck, just under his jaw, barely touching his skin. When Youngjae does nothing but gasp softly and closes his eyes in response, he moves his hand up slowly until he's cupping his face, thumb brushing against the warm cheekbone.

Youngjae's eyes flutter open, finally meeting his. Jaebum feels a jolt course through his body as he recognizes the naked expression in his gaze. He's seen it countless of times, every time he looked bleary eyed at his own reflection after a night chasing Youngjae in his dreams. Longing. His mind is stuck on a loop on that word, and he wants to laugh (and cry a little too): he never thought that he'd see that expression on Youngjae's face. Not in a million years. He feels overwhelmed by it.

All his defenses fall down as something fierce and wild and hot uncurl from his chest all the way down to his gut. Jaebum wants nothing more than to kiss this expression - the longing mixed with fear and doubt- away, until he has Youngjae soft and hard and pliant against him. He wants to wreck him and at the same time, he wants to make him feel secure and safe and loved.

Jaebum's heart beats wildly as he recognizes how momentous this is. How the balance between them is going to shift, one way or another. As much of a coward he's been, he's thought a lot about this moment, imagined a hundred of scenarios ending up in the same fashion. Him and Youngjae, standing so close that all they can breathe is each other, both aware of what lies ahead.

 

He takes another step towards Youngjae, until they're barely a breath apart, and brings his other hand up to cup his neck. His eyes flick down to Youngjae's parted mouth, then back up. He doesn't say anything but he knows his request has been understood when Youngjae bites his lower lip and nods sharply. So Jaebum does what he's wanted to for so long, what he's had such a hard time refraining himself from doing. He closes the distance between them and, after drinking in the sight of Youngjae's flushed cheeks and the flutter of his lashes when his eyes close, kisses him. It's nothing more than a faint press of their closed mouths, one of the most chaste kisses of Jaebum's life. And yet it shakes him to his core, fingers trembling slightly against Youngjae's warm, getting warmer, skin.

 

He inhales deeply through his nose, his oxygen levels depleting alarmingly fast for their short contact, and presses closer as he tries to take in as many details as he can. The warm puffs of air against his cheek, the slightly rough sensation of chapped bitten lips, the wild pulse under his palm, that faint humming noise he's pretty sure he could turn into a moan with added pressure, the hands clutching at his waist. Youngjae is all he can feel, and this realization makes him so winded he has to break the kiss. He doesn't lean back, though, letting his forehead rest against Youngjae's instead, noses brushing one another. He learns how hard it is to get air back into his lungs when he feels robbed of breath all over again everytime Youngjae exhales against his lips. But he doesn't need air as much as he needs Youngjae and it doesn't take more than a few seconds until they're kissing again.

 

This time he concentrates on Youngjae's lower lip the way he's dreamed of so many times. He takes it between his lips, relishing how deliciously plump it feels. He slides the hand that was resting on Youngjae's cheek to his hair and rakes his fingers along the scalp at the same time his tongue begins to trace the lip. The contact is more fleeting than lingering, but it's enough for him to map a few of the small asperities from where teeth have bitten into flesh, as well as to earn him a small moan. And while Jaebum could listen to Youngjae talk for hours on end and has the greatest appreciation for his laughter as well as this singing, he doesn't think he's ever loved his voice quite as much as right this instant.

He needs more and Youngjae obviously agrees with him since he starts licking at the seam of Jaebum's mouth. The latter opens it willingly and lets out a choked out groan when their tongues first touch, so warm and wet and good. Jaebum kinda wants to push Youngjae against the wall and devour his mouth, but he doesn't mind the way Youngjae explores his, slow and confident, with a fair share of teasing. It's steady and sure yet passionate, as Youngjae isn't too shy to express his appreciation, soft humming and moaning responding to Jaebum's muted groans. The sounds fill Jaebum's senses until he can hear nothing else but them, along with his wildly pulsing heartbeat and the constant slick noises of lips and tongues sliding together.

 

The intimacy of it is nothing short of mind-blowing, and Jaebum's body thrums with desire and love, and _love_. The barely formed thought is like a shock to his system. He pulls back suddenly and draws a much-needed lungful of air. The kisses are all well and good, amazing in fact, and he loves that Youngjae is so enthusiastic about kissing him, but the why of it isn't clear. Of course, he knows it means Youngjae feels a modicum of attraction towards him if nothing else, but Jaebum isn't just terribly attracted to him, he's head over heels in love with him. So he needs to tell Youngjae as much, on the off-chance (or at least what Jaebum hopes is an off-chance) that the latter has absolutely no intention of pursuing anything romantic with him.

 

The disappointed whimper Youngjae lets out and the way his arms wrap even tighter around Jaebum's waist make it very clear how little he appreciates the loss of contact. It takes all of Jaebum's impressive willpower to disentangle his hands from Youngjae's hair and to put as much distance between them as he can.

Youngjae quickly catches on the change of mood. He removes his arms and takes a step back, looking at Jaebum with a worried expression. Despite it, he looks gorgeous, hair's a mess and red swollen lips, and Jaebum's tempted to just go on with the kissing and worry about the consequences later. But he figures he's filled his quota of avoidance for the years to come.

 

“Hum, Youngjae...” Great start, Jaebum just needs to find the rest of the sentence somewhere somehow.

 

“Wha- what is it hyung? Was I... Was it not good?” Youngjae asks, quite incomprehensibly considering the lewd sounds he drew from Jaebum not a minute ago.

 

“What? No! It was great. You have.. you're very good at that...Yeah... But hum, I'm just not sure I should have done that f...”

 

Before he can make clear what he means by that, Youngjae interrupts him, staggering back a little “...What? What do you mean? You... You're the one who kissed me. Not just once either. You can't just...” He shakes his head and sighs before resuming in a quieter tone “So... You're regretting it?”

 

He looks hurt, and Jaebum would like it so much if he stopped putting his foot in it all the goddamn time.

 

“Fuck no! Not at all. Like nothing could be further than the truth.”

 

Youngjae takes a cautious step forward, arms crossed as if bracing himself.

 

“Then what is it, hyung?”

 

“I'm... I'm just not sure we are on the same wavelength about what this is? And I need to clarify that. I can't just kiss you like it doesn't mean anything, Youngjae...”

 

Youngjae ducks his head down then back up, and looks at Jaebum with such anticipation it makes him reel from it.

 

“And... wh-what does it mean for you, hyung?”

 

There it is, no backing down now. Not that Jaebum wants to, but he struggles still, trying to figure out the way to make feelings fit into words.

He thought of this moment a lot, imagined both rejection and acceptance but what always stalled him most was how he would confess, what he'd say. Should he go with “I like you”, safe and true but tepid and not even close to describing the scope of his feelings? Or maybe “I like you a lot”, emphasis on “a lot”. A less safe option but one that would feel less like choking on the unsaid, swallowed down words than the first option. Then there's “I love you”. A truthful but fearful choice to go with, as it'd leave him bare, with nowhere to hide in sight.

The thing is, Jaebum's always planned to go with the second option. It doesn't tell the whole truth but it tells enough. It also hides enough that a friendship might more easily be recovered from it, in case of rejection. Youngjae is too kind not to give Jaebum a lot of space and time to heal if he confesses to a love he doesn't reciprocate. And Jaebum's always felt that distance from him would be just as awful as his rejection. And yet, even if it hasn't been a week since Jaebum has admitted to the full extent of his feelings, now that he has he can't help but believe that any downplaying would be a betrayal of them.

 

He looks at Youngjae who is still frozen in place, eyes almost pleading. Jaebum takes a deep breath and smiles at him because while he's afraid that Youngjae might not want the same thing, he's also incredibly grateful for the way he makes him feel. He never knew he could love like this, love so much, until he's full to the brim with it and then some. He can't help but feel blessed to be able to experience such a thing.  
He reaches to push a rebellious bang away from Youngjae's right eye and melts when the latter leans into the touch and rubs his face slightly against the palm. The tenderness of the gesture and of his gaze makes Jaebum as breathless as their kisses did. It encourages him to take that final step, words flowing out of him with an unexpected ease.

 

“It means I don't want to be friends anymore Youngjae. It means I love you. So fucking much so in fact that I don't know what to do with myself whenever I'm around you...I'm sorry if you don't feel the same way and if this comes as a burden to you, but I just can't keep quiet about it anym-”

 

He is cut off when Youngjae lunges forward all of a sudden, lips finding his own again. Well, half of his and half of his left cheek, but Jaebum can't begin to mind. Nor can he keep up with the kiss as his lips open around a wide grin until Youngjae's pretty much kissing his teeth. Jaebum is so giddy from Youngjae's reaction, so deliriously happy that his confession has been accepted with such enthusiasm, that he can't prevent the chuckle that escapes him.

 

“You have the worst aim, baby,” he murmurs against Youngjae's lips, endearment slipping before he can help it.

 

Youngjae nips his lower lip and leans back.

 

“Shut up.”

 

He is shooting him his best glare, which is starkly undermined by the way his cheeks are flushed in embarrassment, and how he's donned his most radiant smile. Jaebum doesn't think he's ever been more beautiful. His breath catches while his heart does its best to drown every other sound but its wild, crazed thrum. He wraps his arms around his waist and when Youngjae raise his own around his neck, tightens his embrace to bring him closer.

 

“It's okay, I don't mind helping you practice until you get better. I'm selfless like that.” He tries for smug but he doesn't think he lands it, grinning like a fool as he is.

 

“Oh my god, stop!” Youngjae says, punctuating each word with a smack to Jaebum's chest.

 

It's just shy of painful, but Jaebum is too happy to do anything but full-body laugh at his flustered reaction, head thrown back and eyes closing in mirth. When he opens them up again, Youngjae is looking at him with a dazed expression and leans in to kiss him again. Another closed mouth kiss but this one is longer, more insistent. There is more heat to it too, from the way Youngjae's lips slide experimentally against in own, to the soft sighs he breathes against Jaebum's cheek. It probably doesn't last more than twenty seconds, and yet it has Jaebum's drawing shaky breaths by the time they separate. The sensation is not as new as it was a few minutes ago, but it's not familiar either. Jaebum doubts he'll ever get used to the feeling.

He is winded in the absolute best way and gets even more so when Youngjae drops his head to his chest, just above the abused spot and murmurs “You're so beautiful”, awe evident in his voice. The affectionate words and touch are as new and potent as the kisses and they make Jaebum just as short of breath. His grip on Youngjae's waist tightens and he brings him closer until they're meld together. They are close enough that their quick inhalations and exhalations mingle, filling each other's lungs. Jaebum takes note of Youngjae's hands clinging tightly to his shoulders, of the way he is looking at him from under his bangs, his coyness like a firebrand to Jaebum's guts.

For a moment he can picture Youngjae on his bed, naked and writhing under him, and he does his best to dispel the image. He wants that, of course he does, but most of all he wants to savor this moment. He runs his thumbs along Youngjae's cheekbones, whose eyes flutters close as a soft sigh escapes him. Jaebum thinks it's the sweetest invitation, one he answers by capturing the full lips with his own. They kiss for a while, alternating between short pecks and languorous kisses until Jaebum's ears seem to perpetually ring with the sounds of it, sighs and moans and the wet noises of lips and tongues coming together and pulling apart.

 

He doesn't want it to end, ever, but it comes to an abrupt stop when Youngjae pulls back all of a sudden. Before he can ask him what's wrong, Youngjae blurts:

 

“Me too!”

 

“...You... too?”

 

Yeah, Jaebum doesn't get it.

 

Youngjae looks a little flustered but sighs like he thinks that Jaebum is being obtuse on purpose. “I mean I'm in love with you too, hyung! I've just realized I didn't even say it back.”

 

Oh. It shouldn't come as a surprise Jaebum supposes, not with the way Youngjae made his approval of his confession obvious in actions if not in words. But it still feels unexpected. And for all the times Jaebum wondered how it'd be like to have his love reciprocated, his previsions have fallen short of the real thing. He doesn't feel knocked out, tongue-tied or like tearing up (that might come up later, though). Instead, he's filled with such an immense joy that all he can do is burst into laughter.

Youngjae gapes at his reaction and Jaebum calms down enough to put steady hands around his face and kiss him square on his open mouth. It's a bit awkward but it doesn't stop him from planting two other kisses there. He doesn't stop there either and rains kiss across his face, on all the places he's wanted to until there's barely a patch of skin he hasn't covered with his mouth. Jaebum delights in the fact he can do that, all of that, finally, and he loves that Youngjae doesn't do anything but chuckle under the assault and tilts his head to give him a better access to his throat. Jaebum kisses and nips at the skin there for a while, savoring the soft sighs it gets him.

Then he goes to kiss Youngjae on his mouth again, but he doesn't quite manage to stop grinning long enough to do it properly. Youngjae teases him for it, but he isn't much better, the way he can't help giggling against Jaebum's lips. So, of course, it doesn't take long until their teeth clack together awkwardly, and while it's the clumsiest mess of a kiss Jaebum has had since he's been out of his teenage years, he doesn't care one bit. In fact, it ranks very high on the list of the best kisses he's ever had, because of how messy it is: he loves how happy Youngjae so obviously is, how happy he makes him. Technique can't hold a candle to that feeling.

 

Jaebum is still grinning like a fool when they break the kiss, too giddy to stop.

 

“You have such a great smile,” Youngjae says while caressing Jaebum's lips with his thumb.

 

“ Do I now? Because I seem to remember you telling me it makes me look like a beaver. More than once.”

 

Youngjae chuckles and nods with enthusiasm, impervious to the faint note of reproach in Jaebum's voice.“It really does! I love it. You should always smile like that.”

 

“That was a very cheesy thing to say, Youngjae. I'm surprised you're not dying of embarrassment right now.”

 

Youngjae shrugs. “You're a very cheesy and embarrassing person to be around to, I'm learning to deal with it.”

 

Jaebum decides to ignore the insult and smirks “Oh, so you're saying I'm rubbing off on you...”

 

“You think you're so slick, hyung...” Youngjae rolls his eyes but when he resumes his voice has turned playful and flirtatious. “I wouldn't mind some rubbing, though. Hopefully soon.”

 

Jaebum chokes on his tongue and makes the ugliest snort. “That's... Fuck, that was so dreadful, Youngjae. What we have to do soon is work on your dirty talk.”

 

“You're the one who started it, you're not in a position to say anything.”

 

And really, Jaebum can't say he's wrong so he kisses him instead. It lasts until Youngjae all but yawns into the kiss. He looks so surprised by it and Jaebum is hopelessly endeared.

 

“I guess it's time we called it a night, huh?”  He asks, arms still around Youngjae in a loose embrace.

 

“So you're kicking me out again? I see how it is: you're a real kiss 'em and ditch 'em type, Im Jaebum.”

 

“You're ridiculous. And I'm not kicking you out.”

 

It's adorable how Youngjae perks up at that. “You're not?”

 

“Nope. I wouldn't be a very good boyfriend if I were to let you face the cold in the middle of the night now, would I?”

 

“Boyfriend?” Youngjae asks wide-eyed, his voice catching on the end of the word.

 

“ Hum, yeah... I thought that was what we were? I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have assumed...”

 

Youngjae stops him with a small kiss on the cheek. “Of course we're boyfriends! I was just surprised. I mean, I didn't exactly expect this when I came here tonight. I was hoping to get more clues on whether you liked me too, nothing more. I'm very happy it turned out this way, though.”

 

Jaebum brushes his nose against Youngjae's and pecks him on the mouth. “Me too.”

 

They spend what probably constitutes an embarrassing amount of time just staring at each other, spell only breaking when Youngjae asks, “So where do I sleep?”

 

Jaebum fishes his phone out of his pocket. No messages from Jinyoung. “Well, Jinyoung isn't back yet, but he usually dislikes sleeping in another bed than his, so the safest bet would be with me.”

 

“Oh, so the whole speech about wanting to spare me the ten-minute walk to my room was just a clever ploy to get me into your bed, then?”

 

Jaebum rolls his eyes. It's not true, but he also can't deny he would love to have the opportunity to cuddle Youngjae to sleep.

 

“No. But there is a good chance Jinyoung would ignore me if I tried to convince him not to come back. He also wouldn't have any qualms at either waking you and chasing you out of his bed or pushing you until you're stuck to the wall. Your choice.”

 

“Your bed, of course. And I wasn't complaining earlier, I totally wouldn't mind sleeping with you,” Youngjae says, his teasing grin and words almost too much for Jaebum.

 

“You're terrible,” He groans.

 

He smacks him lightly on the ass in reprimand and regrets it as soon as he remarks how his eyes get heavier with more than just sleep. Fuck. He refuses to dwell on it. Not now at least.

 

“Help me put the mat and the bag on my desk. Jinyoung might trip over them otherwise and I'm not looking forward to being killed in my sleep.”

 

 

 

“So, do you want to be the little spoon or the big spoon?”  Youngjae asks him as soon as they're in his bed.

 

Jaebum actually prefers the latter, but he can't let the golden opportunity for innuendo pass:

 

“I don't know... We can try both and see what works better for us? I don't mind switching it up.”

 

Youngjae doesn't say anything at first, and while Jaebum can't see him in the pitch darkness, he can picture his incredulity clear as day. They're so close that he feels the rumble of his laughter building up before he hears it. He tugs Youngjae on the waist until there's not a centimeter distance between them. Youngjae goes willingly, tucking his head under Jaebum's chin (big spoon it is), all the while still chuckling.

 

“I'm very glad to hear that,” Youngjae says at long last, cuddling closer. He stays silent for a while, then “So, how many dates will it take to get you to put out?”

 

Jaebum bursts out laughing and smacks him on the hip.

 

“At least one. So don't even try taking advantage of the situation by humping my leg or something. It won't work.”

 

Youngjae hums against his throat and kisses him there. “If you say so, hyung.”

 

Jaebum swallows hard. God, the brat is going to kill him fast at this rate. He's too tired for anything more than cuddling and lazy kisses, but he still feels the sting of arousal at his words and touch.

  

“Hyung?”

 

“Yes, babe?”

 

They haven't talked about endearments yet (and they should soon because there's no way for Youngjae to keep calling him hyung), but Youngjae didn't say anything the first time he used that term, so Jaebum figures he's good to go, for now at least.

 

“You know I'm joking right? We can take all the time you want before we... hum... you know.”

 

Jaebum finds Youngjae's sudden shyness both sweet and hilarious.

 

“Do I?”

 

“Hyung~!”

 

“Alright, alright. Yes, I know. And same goes for you: we're not having sex until you're 100% sure. But I wasn't joking when I said I'd be good to go after one date. Just so you know...”

 

He smirks when he hears Youngjae's heavy swallow and leans down to place a kiss on top of his head.

 

“Enough talking now. Sleep well, Jae-yah.”

 

Youngjae nuzzles his neck and plants a good night kiss just under his Adam's apple.

 

“You too, hyung.”

 

And Jaebum still can't believe this is happening, can't believe he's holding Youngjae, the man he's head over heels in love with - the man who, it turns out, loves him back- in his arms, in his bed. It feels surreal and his mind has trouble catching up with everything, the shift of it all too huge to process for now. The intimacy is both new and staggering in its unfamiliarity, and no less comfortable for it. Indeed, despite the fact that Youngjae has made him feel so out of his depth for so long, or that he still shakes him with everything he is and does, Jaebum doesn't believe he's ever been more grounded, settled.

 Longing finally put to rest, Jaebum sleeps better than he's done in months.


End file.
